Candidate Twain: Desiccate the Workingman!

by Zack Anderson, March 7, 2016

The rumor that I buried a dead aunt under my grapevine was correct. The vine needed fertili­zing, my aunt had to be buried, and I dedicated her to this high purpose. Does that unfit me for the presidency? The Constitution of our country does not say so. No other citizen was ever considered unworthy of this office because he enriched his grapevines with his dead relatives. Why should I be selected as the first victim of an absurd prejudice?

I admit also that I am not a friend of the poor man. I regard the poor man, in his present condition, as so much wasted raw material. Cut up and properly canned, he might be made useful to fatten the natives of the cannibal islands and to improve our export trade with that region. I shall recommend legislation upon the subject in my first message. My campaign cry will be, “Desiccate the poor workingman; stuff him into sausages.”

These are about the worst parts of my rec­ord. On them I come before the country. If my country don’t want me, I will go back again. But I recommend myself as a safe man—a man who starts from the basis of total depravity and proposes to be fiendish to the last.

— 1879 | Hartford,  CT

One Response to Candidate Twain: Desiccate the Workingman!

  1. BB Grace Reply

    March 7, 2016 at 8:08 pm

    Da Kine Hawaiian Pizza for President Twain’s Cannibles

    Favorite pizza dough
    favorite red sauce
    As much mozzarella you like
    Very very thinly sliced: SPAM
    garnished with finely chopped onion, green and red bell pepper
    strained crushed pineapple
    Bake according to oven directions, some folks have special appliances, ovens just for pizza.. but that’s how you really make pizza Hawaii’an Style.

    No forget da hot red peppers and parmesean cheez!

    Twain for president. He’s safe. LOL

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