Nostalgia and sentiment are grand emotions and I suspect most people devoted to the Bring Back the Palace movement are deep in the throes of rosy memories of lovely days gone by. I get it.
But our well-meaning friends forget that if the hotel doors were to swing wide for a Grande Reopening it would only solve one problem, and the lesser one at that: You’d still be old.
Yes, a refurbished Palace might look fresh, shiny and new but you certainly won’t, unless you think the last 40 years haven’t aged you. (Advice: wait 40 more years before you look in the mirror again.)
Let’s pretend the Palace has re-opened and old friends have arrived at the front door for an evening of memories and, of course, dinner.
The visitors are LUNA and STONEY, back-to-the-landers who in 1976 built part of a chicken coop and grew some tomato bushes before fleeing to town and becoming school teachers. They have fond memories of the Palace since they last visited it in 1984.
The conversation:
LUNA: Oh my! Everything looks so nice, just like I remember it. I hope the night manager came back now that it’s re-opened. Kenny. Wasn’t it Kenny Parcell?
STONEY: Huh? Only one I remember is the cute waitress, Karen-something. Remember Karen?
LUNA: You’re thinking of Karen Cassette. And that handsome French Maitre de? George d’Monsieur I think. Wait! What happened to the mirror that was over there? Where’d the mirror go?
STONEY: And the moose head above the bar. That was my favorite thing in the whole place.
LUNA: Now dear, the moose is at the Bluebird down in Hopland.
STONEY: Is that music? They should turn it up. I can hardly hear it. And oh excuse me, but is there a Depends dispenser in the men’s room? Oops sorry pal, thought you worked here.
WAITER arrives: May I bring drinks to the table while you look at the menu?
LUNA: I’ll have a Harvey Wallbanger.
STONEY: And how about a pint of Red Tail Ale for me?
WAITER: Uhhh Harry Wall-what? And didn’t Red Tail go out of business? Like back when I was going to Frank Zeek?
LUNA: Oh.
STONEY: Right. Maybe just a couple wine coolers? Bartles & Jaymes?
WAITER: I can check, but . . . . (departs)
LUNA: So what are you thinking?
STONEY Mmm, the steak I guess. Got a coupon in my wallet, should save us some money. Might be we both have to order steaks to get the discount. Lemme look. (Reaches for wallet, begins rifling through it).
WAITER returns, says wine coolers unavailable.
LUNA: Well then how about sweet red wine in some Sprite?
STONEY: Here it is! Got it! From the old Mendocino Grapevine; I cut it out a few years ago. (Presents old yellowed clipping it to waiter.)
WAITER: What’s this? What’s the Grapevine? Umm, it says here it’s for The Broiler and you get half-off a steak when you buy the first one full price. Wow: $8.95 for a steak, baked potato and salad. What’s a baked potato?
STONEY: Oh my God! The noise! Ouch!! Oh my aching hearing aids! What’s all that racket?
WAITER: The band. We have live music back in the Annie Oakley Room. It’s an oldies group.
LUNA: Oldies? Oh I love classic rock. Do they play Eagles and Neil Diamond. We can boogie!
STONEY: We can do some coke on the bar, ha ha.
WAITER: Actually it’s AFI. I don’t think they do stuff by the Eagles. It's a Ukiah band from back around 2010 or even longer. My sister used to like AFI when I was little.
STONEY: Hey kid, pssst! My wife has a Zig Zag tattoo, but you’ll never guess where.
LUNA: Oh don’t you start, Stoney! That was 50 years ago! It looks like Lake Michigan now. Just be quiet!
STONEY: Yeahhh, maybe we should go. Sorry. How about The Broiler? I’ve got the coupon and it won’t be so noisy. Have a couple wine coolers. We’ll stop home first so I can change trousers, pick up some Depends.
LUNA: Let’s just stay home. I gotta get out of this lousy bra.
Be First to Comment