We can and do empathize with those who for circumstances unexplained and perhaps inexplicable, toil at tasks that cannot be accomplished.
A man spending his days, years and lifetime pushing a boulder up a steep hill, only to have it always roll back to the bottom. It is to weep.
A woman locked in a room each night with a bale of hay, told she must convert the bale into pure gold by morning. Cruel fate!
A lowly spider ceaselessly climbing up a water spout, only to have rain strike when he reaches the top, washing him back down. Forever.
Pity now the public relations officer instructed to produce colorful pamphlets depicting Ukiah as a worthy destination for potential tourists. You ask the impossible!
Yet persist they must, those creative but doomed publicists trying to spin silk from thistle and turn dust to diamonds, as so many before them have tried. And failed. It cannot be done.
Ukiah is Ukiah, and no amount of printed prattle about a “charming downtown” or a “vibrant-anything” will bring innocents to the town, and certainly not twice.
Veteran tourists are knowledgeable, wary, and do not easily fall for glib PR fluff. They are not tricked into driving two hundred miles based on advice from an online blurb telling lies about the many fine activities in the Heart of Mendocino County.
Every tourist bureau is competing with every other tourist bureau to lure the same breed of tourist to its town. Every brochure and every website brags about its charming downtown, its historic neighborhoods and its close proximity to biking, hiking, kayaking, fine dining and golf.
Which got me to thinking.
I locked myself inside my cold stone turret with only a prayer mat for company, and I wondered and pondered and called upon Yahweh for guidance. I asked also that the same guidance be provided the wizards who strive to lure tourists to Ukiah. And lo, come the morning sun, all was revealed.
Vacationers and tourist seeking golf courses, kayaking options, gourmet dining, hiking and biking trails are sought by every tourist bureau. They all want hikers and bikers. They all want artsy folks driving BMWs and Porsches.
BULLETIN: These tourists have been hunted to extinction. Pebble Beach has the golf crowd, Carmel has everything else, and for Ukiah to compete is preposterous. It can’t be done.
But then, in that tiny tower turret following many minutes of meditation, there came a great unburdening from within. I suddenly knew the solution, and so did our local bureau.
Instead of mountain climbers and wine aficionados Ukiah needs to look elsewhere. I see that now, and so do the publicists who realize they must focus on a narrow, neglected but potentially lucrative demographic that all other tourist bureaus ignore.
QUESTION: “But Who?”
ANSWER: People Who Want To Be Tortured.
Masochists (and Sadists) are out there, but no other municipalities are catering to them. Starting now, let Ukiah be that destination. Go to: https://visitukiah.com/plan/explore/downtown/
Scroll down a bit. There, in big bold all-caps typeface overlaying a photo image of bar patrons, it reads:
DRINKS AND TASINGS
And yes, I agree that if anyone is curious about the effects of firing electronically charged staples into our flesh, we ought to first do some serious drinking.
After that comes the writhing in shock, pain, uncontrolled spasms of out-of-body horrors, and maybe soiled underwear.
And that’s our local tourism board’s best effort? “Visit Ukiah for Drinks and Tasings”?
Just my opinion, but it still sounds better than biking and kayaking with tourists from Marin.
Be First to Comment