And The Horse He Rode In On

(Research & fact-checking by Tommy Wayne Kramer)

Bruce Anderson owned and edited the Anderson Valley Advertiser for more than 40 years; going forward the newspaper will be online only. He recently met for an interview regarding his future and that of news publications in general.

Q: Let’s start with an easy one. What have you been reading lately?

A: Just finished Brittany Spears’ new autobiography, which I wholeheartedly recommend, and last night I started Modern Architecture in Houston (1985 to Present). Looks promising. My go-to author has always been Danielle Steele of course, mostly because her books follow a familiar pattern, easy to follow and all that. Male characters sometimes under-developed, in my opinion.

Q: Tell us something people don’t know about newspaper publishing in the 21st century.

A: The fact it’s so lucrative. No one talks about it, least of all newspaper executives, but between the federal subsidies, state funding and the non-profit grants, you can hardly keep track of the money. Print journalism is a cash cow and a golden goose rolled into a gravy train. Tax credits for “endangered media” are a scandal all their own. Tell any youngster that today’s easy money is in the newspaper racket.

Q: You’ve been in journalism nearly half a century. Any thoughts?

A: (Long pause) I suppose I might have been more forthcoming regarding my own political opinions, which are just mainstream Democrat. I’m Val Muchowski with hairier legs. Maybe. But it was always clear from the get-go that if the AVA was going to be financially successful I’d have to appeal to to Mendoland’s lunatics. Our readership, real or potential, just wasn’t going to stand in line to subscribe to a paper with an editorial outlook no different that the Press-Democrat’s (laughs). So I cast myself as a 1930s radical SF longshoreman, threw in some jive-ass Lenin-Marx and called it a platform. What else could I do? Horoscopes and Dear Abby? I tailored the AVA to what the people wanted. No different than the Chronicle or the New York Times if you think about it.

Q: Let’s talk rumors. You and Hillary?

A: Yeah sure. Why not? What the hell is there to hide at this point? It was around the time Sleazebag Bill was porking the office help and she was a bit lonely. Ted Kennedy had introduced us at the ’84 Demo Convention in ‘Frisco, we hit it off and stayed in touch. Hillary’s been to Boonvile three or four times, once or twice at the hotel, a few times up on Peachland Road. A lot of people knew, of course, but at least we never wound up on the cover of People Magazine (laughs). Wonderful lady by the way. Very misunderstood.

Q: Harper’s Mag ran that story six or eight years ago about the infamous and secretive Thomas Pynchon being, in reality, the editor of a small town newspaper in Northern California. But it never made much news. Any thoughts?

A: I think the literati made lots of noise, but to the average joe, Pynchon is about as well known as whoever killed Jimmy Hoffa. I mean, if it had come to light I was Stephen King or JK Rowling I would have had to go on talk shows with Oprah.

Q: And the insane number of pushups you supposedly do in a day. We’ve heard conflicting stories.

A: I knew we’d get around to the pushups; I should’ve dragged Scaramella along. This was his doing. I couldn’t do 10 pushups in 10 years. Back maybe 15 years ago I had dental work and was eating ice cream. A lot of ice cream. I found a novelty product at Walmart called Nestle PushUps (ice cream in paper tubes). I was partial to Flintstone PushUps, just for the record. So the Major starts riding me about doing 50 PushUps a day. It was a joke between us, like I was on some sort of anti-nutrition, negative food value diet. He turned PushUps into pushups and kept sneaking reports of my weekly pushup totals into the paper, upping the number. Really now, this is the Major’s doing. Corner him, tie him up. Make him talk.

Q: Hear anything from Mike?

A: Sweeney? No, not really. We exchange Christmas cards, call each other on birthdays. Shame really. Great guy.

Q: Think he’s tied to the Bari bombing?

A: Mike?!? Oh hell no. He was with me all that day, working on an RFP (Request for Proposal) on a big garbage contract. We cooked up his involvement in the bombing to get the EarthWorst! creeps riled up. Went pretty well. Best circulation numbers ever. Just in passing, I’ve always thought MK-Ultra, a terrorist wing of the CIA, was involved.

Q: Any upside to not having a real paper-and-ink paper?

A: I’m hoping the loss of income spells the end to having to support my deadbeat nephew in San Francisco. Bobby never met a credit card he didn’t want to max out. Nice kid, but jeez. Get a job, you know?

Q: Given the free time not running a real newspaper, what are you going to do?

A: About a month ago I started working three nights a week as greeter at the Graton Casino in Sonoma County. Just a favor to Dough Bosco. The owners are trying to appease the Native Americans without returning any land. I work the front door as Chief Thunderclap. Got the full Sitting Bull headdress, fringed jacket, war paint. You can’t tell I’m a gringo. I just stand there and say “How” and “wampum.” Maybe a little Hi ya Ho ho! now and then. Pays the rent.

Q: Some things no one knows about you?

B: Lifelong Dodger fan. Went to 11 consecutive Taylor Swift shows on the Eras Tour. Picked out my gravesite and headstone at Hollywood Forever Cemetery in Beverly Hills 35 years ago. My Bucket List has Cleveland Rock n Roll Museum at the top because I’m a big fan of Paul Revere & The Raiders. And before I shuffle off I’d like to play semi-pro rugby, learn Esperanto.