Donald and Melania Trump are seated at a secluded table awaiting lunch on one of Mar-a-Lago’s shaded patios. The worst of the unforgiving Florida sun is blunted through the scarlet Bougainvillea bower above the round marble table, where Melania impatiently brushes off the occasional blossom that drifts onto the fake gold-encrusted monogrammed tableware. Melania’s husband, former President Donald Trump, sinks into his heavily cushioned chair across from his wife, bringing with him a strong aura of unease and discontent. He sighs.
The Donald: Melania, I need you by my side for my re-election rallies. I will clinch the nomination this month but I still need to show that my wife is on board for another four years in the White House. (musing) I should have made this a requirement in our most recent pre-nup…You’re costing me votes by refusing to show up!
Melania: (yawns, unimpressed) Our deal was for the first time you ran for President. I have no intention of attending those tacky rallies full of bikers and rednecks again (shudders prettily). How I suffered! Those annoying reporters criticizing me at every turn – even for those adorable red Christmas tree cones I ordered one year.
The Donald: (Looking conspicuously at the opulence around them) Yea, it must be a terrible burden to sit around here all day, filling your scrapbooks in between your hair, nails, facials, and hot yoga appointments.
Melania: (snorts) You could use a little self care yourself these days so you won’t have to keep lying about your weight and bribing the doctor so he won’t list you as morbidly obese! As far as family goes why don’t Princess Ivanka and princes Don Jr. and Eric wave the family flag for you? They’ve been feeding at the company trough all their privileged lives.
The Donald: (reddening and struggling to control his temper) Don’t start on that again! The only reason anybody knows your name is because you’re married to me! Show a little gratitude! And as far as kids go, it’s time Barron started working summers in the family business. I’m thinking the mailroom might be a good place to start.
(As Melania recoils in horror at that idea, both Trumps suddenly pause on cue to smile benevolently at Pedro, an undocumented immigrant, as he approaches with their lunches on a Trump-embossed tray.)
Trumps: (in unison) Good Afternoon, Pedro!
Pedro: (sets The Donald’s meal down on the table) For the President: Two bacon cheeseburgers, three orders of extra-crispy fries, one hot apple turnover and a double-chocolate shake, extra thick (The Donald begins to salivate). And for the first lady (setting down Melania’s plate), her favorite all-organic salad of designer lettuce, half a tomato and two steamed, peeled shrimp…no dressing…accompanied by a frosty glass of iced, unsweetened green tea. Bon appétit!
Trumps: (again in unison, smiling brightly) Thanks, Pedro! Remember to vote! (Pedro shakes his head but smiles brightly as he turns to walk back to the kitchen. When he’s out of earshot he curses as he trips over a corner of a file box labeled “Top Secret” that is mostly concealed behind a potted palm)
Melania: (concentrating on cutting her designer lettuce into tiny squares to avoid the unattractive sight and sound of The Donald wolfing down his food, a trickle of special sauce oozing from a corner of his mouth) I can’t figure out how people think you’re so much younger and healthier than Joe Biden, who probably hasn’t eaten a bite of that disgusting junk food since he graduated junior high school!
The Donald: (wiping his greasy mouth on his sleeve) He’s a wuss so he probably eats like a wuss, all broiled skinless chicken breasts and steamed vegetables. I’m a real man!
Melania: (rolling her eyes and standing up abruptly) Are we done here? My Pilates coach arrives in a few minutes.
The Donald: (also stands, picking up his milkshake to take with him) I’ll expect you at my next rally! (scene fades to black.)
Ask Princess Ivanka and princes Eric and Don Jr. to join you – they’ve been on the Trump Gravy Train their whole lives.
The Donald is leading the Republican Party down a cult like path of fundamentalism and fearfulness and nothing can save them not even those milk shakes.