The American household suffers from a lack of rules. The average family has only vague notions of improper behavior, and consequences are rarely defined.
Rather than hazy misunderstandings about proper behavior, proper decor and proper home maintenance, all of which lead to miscommunication, intra-spousal rules and regulations ought to be clarified.
This would be in the best interests of all concerned, especially husbands. Households should be run like the NFL. In football rules are clear and are enforced. Penalties are plain to everyone.
A defensive tackle is caught offside? The ref wags a no-no finger at him and issues a five yard penalty
When an offensive lineman gets caught tugging rather too vigorously on the elbow of a defensive lineman, the result is another penalty, another loss of down.
On a field goal attempt, a 375 lb defensive lineman breaks both legs of the 160 lb. kicker 10 seconds after the play has concluded. Referees deliver swift and sure punishment that includes repossessing the lineman’s car and garnishing his salary.
But in the American family much is left to conjecture. Does it violate the rules to leave an empty coffee cup on the kitchen counter without rinsing it out? Regulations should be more clear and penalties more obvious.
If the NFL was in charge of your home:
OFFENSE #1 Drive car all week with Check Engine light ON.
PENALTY: Confiscate car keys, provide offending spouse with MTA schedule of bus routes.
OFFENSE #2 Improper folding of kitchen towels.
PENALTY: Enroll offending spouse in Origami paper-folding classes at Mendocino College.
OFFENSE #3: Stop in at Forest Club Friday after work for one beer, without calling home.
PENALTY: Cold leftovers for dinner.
OFFENSE #4: Have multiple beers at Forest Club, not home til 9 o’clock.
PENALTY: Sleep on couch.
OFFENSE #5: Bring three new “friends” back home from the Forest Club, plus a 12-pack.
PENALTY: Change locks on doors.
OFFENSE #6: Loud, excited yammering about fall fashions in latest Vogue Magazine during late inning bases-loaded situation in World Series.
PENALTY: Time is Called! Banished to garage until game is over. Repeat offenses result in banishment until season is over.
OFFENSE #7: Accidentally drive car head-first into tree near garage causing $9,000 in damages.
PENALTY: If offending spouse was distracted while applying makeup, confiscate driver’s license. If spouse was merely intoxicated, call Matt’s Tree Service in Ukiah to remove stupid tree from yard.
OFFENSE #8: Leave cap off tube of toothpaste.
PENALTY: Brush teeth with Preparation H for one week.
OFFENSE #9: Accidentally put son’s six pet snakes through washing machine and dryer; take tearful responsibility, conduct solemn backyard burial service.
REWARD: $500 cash from delighted spouse.
OFFENSE #10: New beverage stains on white silk living room couch.
PENALTY: If stains are from wine, ban drinking in house except kitchen and bathroom. If beer, suggest easy cleanup with moist paper towel.
OFFENSE #11: Run motorcycle engine parts through kitchen dishwasher.
PENALTY: Demand Harley Davidson trade-in for baby blue Vespa.
OFFENSE #12: Spouse spreads thick layer of peanut butter on toast, and using same knife but without wiping off the blade! sticks it in jelly jar, stirs it around, then covers toast, leaving contaminated Skippy residue in polluted jelly jar.
PENALTY: New, separate pantries and refrigerators, with combination locks.
OFFENSE #13: In spring cleaning fit, vintage fishing tackle box with grandpa’s lures and hooks is tossed into trash along with junk.
PENALTY: Offending spouse must row boat on all future fishing trips.
OFFENSE #14: Following hot shower, slather generous amounts of Chanel eyelid cream on face, chest, arms, legs and butt.
PENALTY: Repay misspent eye cream with double the amount of Vaseline Xtra Moisturizing Hand Lotion
Speaking of the NFL
By the time you read this I’ll be at the Super Bowl in Las Vegas. My plan is to meet Taylor Swift and give her a big kiss.
Next day I’ll have my lips surgically removed so I can sell them on eBay.
(Tom Hine writes these columns but makes TWK take blame.)
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