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County Seat Declared Pink Zone

Ukiah, California — Swift and true as Cupid’s arrow, Blue Zones evangelizer Dan Buettner sailed into town this morning to announce its official designation as a Pink Zone, a geographic region found to have extraordinarily high incidence of orgasmic pleasure.

Buettner made a surprise Valentine’s Day appearance and led a dedication ceremony at the town’s mission style city hall. In his comments he noted Ukiah’s understated aesthetic charm and playfully suggested that the powerful flow of the Russian River might be the source of valley residents’ outstanding sexual vigor.

He described to a rapt if modest gathering how after an exhaustive scientific review Mendocino County’s seat had emerged as a second Pink Zone, a sequel to last November’s naming of Loma Linda, California, as the world’s first fully authenticated Pink Zone.

Buettner noted that some followers of the Pink Zones story might puzzle over the identification of Ukiah as a hotbed of amorous activity, expecting that more popular sensual locales like Paris or Rio de Janeiro would be named. But “just as Okinawa leads Japan in obesity, unemployment, beer consumption and welfare recipients, it also miraculously leads the world in longevity. It’s weird, isn’t it?” he mused.

“Data sometimes lead us to completely unexpected and seemingly nonsensical conclusions. We shouldn’t allow our preconceptions to color, if you will, the data.”

At the time of its Pink Zone confirmation Loma Linda found itself under intense media scrutiny due to its prior Blue Zone designation, since the new color combination allowed it to claim highly coveted Lavender Zone status.

At Tuesday’s ceremony Buettner presented Mayor Mari Rudin with a twenty-four karat gold-plated vibrator which she accepted on behalf of the city. The inscription identifies Ukiah as an “Official Pink Zone Member City” and includes Buettner’s signature as well as that of Adventist Health CEO Kerry Heinrich, signaling that the Seventh Day Adventist Church-owned healthcare corporation— which purchased Blue Zones, LLC, from Buettner for $78 million in 2021— is expanding its portfolio.

No further details of AH’s acquisition of Pink Zones, LLC, have been made public. How the pink designation might affect the Blue Zones local chapter in Ukiah remains unclear.

Asked after the ceremony how it might impact their work, Mendocino County Blue Zones Chief Information Officer Phoebe Buffay-Hannigan stated, “We have always loved Adventist Health’s mission of living God’s love by inspiring health, wholeness and hope.”

“We’re honored to have been selected to lead and support this incredible team in this high calling, and if that calling leads this community to the most frequent and intense orgasms in the world, we thank the Lord for that as we do all His blessings,” said Buffay-Hannigan.

During his remarks Buettner mentioned the imminent debut of his Yellow Zones Project, the organization he founded and named after the highlighter favored by the original team of researchers to indicate the locations of the five most intellectually superior regions in the world.

Yellow zones are geographic areas where humans excel cognitively, as measured by IQ intelligence testing.

He said he could not reveal the identity of any of the five soon-to-be-named Yellow Zones, but he did share that Ukiah was not in the running for that particular honor.

Buettner refused to comment on the ongoing trademark infringement litigation concerning the use of the Brown Zones name and concept. Independent journalist Elliott Rosewater is suing Buettner for his commercial use of the term as a geographic locale that has been concurrently designated a Blue, Pink and Yellow Zone. Rosewater’s trademark defines a Brown Zone as a region where residents produce the most regular and optimally formed bowel movements in the world as measured by the Bristol Stool Chart.

Buettner said he could not comment on the lawsuit but in apparent reference to Rosewater’s conception of Brown Zones and holding the golden vibrator aloft wondered aloud, “Can you imagine what their Brown Zones trophy is going to look like? C’mon, that’s disgusting!”

Later that morning the vibrator caused a stir and had onlookers giggling at Mama’s Cafe, a local eatery. As Ms. Rodin enjoyed her poached eggs over kale, the golden phallic trophy apparently slid from her handbag and hit the floor, causing the device to switch on and jiggle its way across the dining room to the delight of fellow patrons.

“It’s alive!” one guest cried and hid in mock horror behind a forkful of rosemary potatoes.


  1. Mike J February 18, 2023

    Hey, MUFON! I think we found that covert alien colony. “They” exist here and there in Mendocino county, and are hypnotizing the general public via the famous Boonville weekly.

      • Mike J February 26, 2023

        From linked article:
        “Robinson also gave the investment, remuneration, and 2020 budget reports. The executive committee voted to receive these reports. Robinson, at the conclusion of his report, thanked the treasury team for their hard work throughout the year and at YEM. He then invited Mike Jamieson, NAD undertreasurer, to the platform for recognition of service to the division. As Jamieson was congratulated by Daniel R. Jackson, NAD president, and G. Alexander Bryant, NAD executive secretary, Robinson read the words to be inscribed on a special clock memento: “With gratitude to Michael R. Jamieson for ten years of dedicated Christian service to the North American Division and to the Seventh-day Adventist Church from 1979-2020. Thank you for your legacy of leadership.” Jamieson retires this year.”

        The middle initial in my case is “D” for David.
        I am not a Christian. Or an Adventist.
        I am still alive thanks to a Doctor from the St Helena Hospital, an Adventist one, putting three stents in coronary arteries. That’s my only connection to Adventist orgs.

        • Andrew Lutsky February 26, 2023

          Okay “Mike D. Jamieson,” do you have a substantive comment to make about this piece or are you just out for the usual Sunday troll?

          • Mike J February 26, 2023

            Yeah, I thought injecting Mari Rodin into your story in the way you did was bullshit and looked like a conscious attempt to embarrass her.

            There is no mystery where the owner of the AVA stands, regarding the local Adventist Hospital so it’s not a surprise they would favor a satire piece like this (about Blue Zone conceptualizing).

            • Andrew Lutsky February 26, 2023

              She loved the piece. Get over yourself.

              • Mike J February 26, 2023

                That’s good to hear but that doesn’t change your odd obsession with that Adventist conceptualizing blue zones, which has a previous history of debate at the AVA between you and someone else via AVA letters.
                Myself? I still think injecting her into your story was bullshit. Or, the way you did.

                • Andrew Lutsky February 26, 2023

                  Mike, you’ve drunk the kool-aid. So-called ‘blue zones’ are a fiction sold by journalist Dan Buetttner to AH for $78 million, and AH is now using this fiction to improve their lackluster image. They have a right to promote themselves however they wish; we however don’t have an obligation to believe this fantasy:

                  Wouldn’t you rather see AH invest that money in the salaries of medical doctors, nurses and hospital staff who actually impact our health? I know I would.

                  • Mike J February 26, 2023

                    Yes, I have drank it, for imo the identified factors do likely extend life, especially plant-based diets.

  2. Mike J February 18, 2023

    Mama’s Cafe makes awesome breakfast potatoes.
    About time the local media reports on this.

  3. Andrew Lutsky February 26, 2023

    We agree on the tastiness of Mama’s potatoes, Mike.

    And we also agree on the benefits of a plant-based diets. Here’s a quote from one of the letters I wrote that you mentioned: “Neither Dan Buettner nor the Seventh Day Adventists nor the hospital corporation they own invented the Mediterranean diet. No one is credibly disputing the health benefits– which are very distinct from claims of longevity– of that diet/lifestyle …”

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