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The Worst Movie Ever Made?

Will Chuck, Arnold, Bruce, Sean and Rocky save the world or make it worse?

Take all the washed-up action stars available. Give them each handguns. Let them strap up. Make sure some have automatic rifles as well. Get Rocky in the cockpit, and have him break some rules… I'm sure you can see where this is going.

The way I understand movies, there are basically two kinds. There are movies that originate from stories, where some lonely creative soul has distilled a plot from the swirl of agony and ecstasy we all inhabit, and a creative team is assembled through the forces of capitalism to breathe life into the resulting screenplay, and put it on the big screen. I think of The Godfather, or Moby Dick, when I think of these sorts of movies.

Give me some popcorn and a chilled soda, and let the plot arc.

Then there are the other kind of movies, the sort born in corner offices overlooking tony boulevards, with the air conditioning refined to a light, scented breeze, and an editorial intern in the hallway bent like a lap dancer over her scuffed shoe. The atmosphere is full of erotic potential and dripping with returns on investment. Art is the janitor in this building, not the tenant. Art? Art who?

I have no intention of ever seeing The Expendables, let me be clear about that. In watching the Olympic games I've been offered all the tidbits of what it has to offer that I believe I need. There's no possibility that it can do anything but insult the viewer's intelligence, and it will probably damage the delicate creative potential of the rogue males who do attend.

I realize it's not meant for me. I didn't see Die Twice or Head Banger or Double Breasted Morons or any of the hit movies Arnold and Bruce and Chuck and the rest of the all star cast have made their careers and fortunes on. Whenever I see ads or promos for those movies I realize that what I have expected and wanted from people is not available. They are otherwise occupied.

The reason Dull Normal with an Assault Weapon was such a big hit was not the plot resolution, but the hardware.

The people who want plot resolution are goners. They got blown up when the plane missed the runway and hit the tank farm.

It seems, to me anyway, disingenuous to be shocked when someone turns to murder as a first resort, given the entertainment fare we are expected to, and apparently do, consume. I sometimes wonder why US citizens murder each other at such a high rate. Then some promo for The Expendables comes on, again, for the hundredth time this week, (or is it today?), a moment before the Olympic message of brotherhood has quite sunk in.

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