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Posts published by “Doug Holland”

Eulogizing Elvis

It was the summer of 1977. I was fresh out of high school, living on my own, generally disinterested in the church but not yet an atheist. Once a month I attended the church I…

If You’re Going To Do Something, Do It Right

My dad's motto was, "If you're going to do something, do it right." He had a thousand inspirational clichés, but that was the one that stuck with me the most. "If you're painting the wall,"…

Breakfast at the Diner #5

A youngish white guy comes into the diner. He's clean-cut and wearing a suit and tie, and he sits a few stools away from an ancient bald man who sometimes has oxygen tubes in his…

Nuts

I've known a lot of nuts in my life. What's the polite term? "Mentally ill"? "Emotionally disturbed"? "Has issues"? Nah, nuts. That's the catch-all word for malfunctions between the ears. You're probably nuts, and I'm absolutely…

An Introvert Walks into a Bar

Once a week I treat myself to breakfast at a diner. It used to be breakfast with my wife, but she died, damn it, so now it's just breakfast alone at the diner. Same diner…

Why You Should Care About Waco

In the summer of 1992, a gun dealer named David Koresh sent a message to the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms (ATF). He asked several questions about the regulations which cover modifying certain guns,…

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