Back To Work!

MEMO: To All Staff

FROM: Management

RE: Back to Work!

March 21, 2022

Hello, and welcome back to the office! 

(Note: This is being sent to all employees of record. Those employed by MEGA INC. are due on site today. Those employed by MEGA.ORG will be expected on site tomorrow. ) 

On this and other matters, please be assured that our legal team, both those involved with the overall MEGA, and those who work for each branch, ,INC and .ORG, have been fully consulted.

1. Your workplaces have been fully sanitized. Special certificated teams have been employed. Some may still be on the premises from time to time. They are easily identified by their Hazmat white garments. Those in purple Hazmats are team leaders, authorized to communicate and receive information. Note the flags on the upper left hand corners of their uniforms. At this time, Spanish and Tagalog are the most popular languages . Although we are now adding Ukrainian!

2. You will also notice that under the language identification flags the letters “M,” “F” “Bx” “N” and “DS” may appear. These stand for Male, Female, Bi, Neutral, and Decline to State. Those whose appearance is not hidden because of Hazmat precautions may also choose to have these letters on large buttons for identification purposes. Similarly with language buttons. In all cases the company’s Guaranteed Inclusion team will help with difficulties.

3. As you know, both the for profit and non-profit branches of MEGA do work and produce products whose use has been subject to government public disclosure regulation You will be asked to sign a document certifying you understand applicable parameters. Under no circumstances should you ask or describe substantive material about which you have questions or issues! Specialists in discussing these matters are available either via encrypted communication or personal appointments (remember we’re back on site live)! As always written communications may be presented with some words blanked out. In person communications may take place in rooms with generated noise so there is a need to be close when speaking. How close will be monitored by an Inclusion Team member who may suggest, via hand motions, that people get closer or further away.

4. Personnel evaluations will be done more frequently than before we went 100% (or almost!) virtual. A number of new team members are with us. Others have left, for personal or (sadly) biological reasons, death being among these. In referring to such cases it is permissible to say a person “isn’t here.” Or “isn’t here any more.” It is not permissible to say they “died” or “passed away,” which often can induce depression and anxiety.

5. Your family structure may have changed while we were on lockdown. This may mean you can no longer be as available as you used to be. Or you are more available. Your confidential re-entry form is the place to provide up to date information. MEGA will work with you on this. Especially important is incorporating children in the picture. But as our co-founder, Matthew Mega once put it, “Children as a blessing, not an excuse!” We have also long incorporated into our policy our thoughts about parents and grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins. We now offer Free MEGA T-shirts, made from organic materials and produced by well-paid labor. (S,M,L,XL,DTS – decline to state) are our gift to you at this important time! A color chart is also available, along with instructions on how to make coloring your MEGA T-shirts into an all-inclusive, gender neutral, fun project!)

6. Masks. This has been the most controversial element in our pandemic protocols. Now that we are back live, it is more essential than ever that we reach a balance between health and safety and personal liberty. We will be guided by federal and local government regulations. And our medical team will join our legal team in sorting things out, to everyone’s satisfaction.

7. You’re probably aware that there has been a big increase in what are called “mental health” issues during the time our offices have been closed. Over the years we believe we have offered, through our discounted full medical coverage, as good a treatment as prudent budgeting and scientific advance allow. Now, in this unusual time, we are offering more. Again, we quote our founder, Matthew Mega, “Dental health Is mental health!” There are many more dental professionals available than there are mental professionals, since dental work requires proximity and people have avoided being close to strangers. This provides us with the opportunity to provide you with dental care for mental issues, in line with (yet another) brilliant insight from our founder!

8. Another bit of Mega’s wisdom. “When on the road, trust a toad!” One person who uses “toad therapy” recently told a major publication (NYTimes, 3/20/2022) that he experienced a “full central nervous system reset” after smoking toad skins. Consuming toad venom can cost up to $8,500 and take weeks of dosage. Due to a long-standing agreement between our company and cooperative Mexican government and industrial interests, we will be able to construct a “toad road” of our own, in which all employees can enter a lottery to be included in toad work. There will be costs, much reduced from the commercial level. But, another, final piece of Mega’s wisdom, “The only thing free is pee!”

Looking forward to seeing your smiling faces again!