(NOTE: Upon learning we live part-time in North Carolina, friends have requested information about relocating. They receive responses like this.)
Dear California Resident:
Thank you on behalf of the North Carolina Visitors and Relocation Bureau! We appreciate your interest in traveling to, or living in, the Tarheel State, home of the fastest growing economy in the nation, and the friendliest folks in the land!
Regarding your recent inquiries about resources available to potential retirees, we regret to inform you that we no longer accept applications originating in California for those wishing permanent residence in our state.
In explaining this difficult decision, we provide the following details:
1) We believe we have a sufficient number of homeless individuals.
2) North Carolina rehab clinics are currently at full capacity.
3) State housing costs are presently beyond reasonable levels for local citizens. We perceive little benefit in promoting an increase of real estate prices, despite the delight they bring to California newcomers.
4) North Carolina citizens expressing confusion about gender issues are presently at a tolerable level.
5) North Carolina’s political landscape has no need for newcomers demanding to “turn the state purple.”
6) Per recent polling data, fewer than one percent of North Carolinians are familiar with the word “fentanyl.” We strive to keep it so.
7) Ridiculing southern wardrobes and fashion styles has no place in our culture. Please be aware we are in possession of photos and videos of Walmart shoppers in Ukiah, CA.
8) Rude and /or snide comments with regard to dining experiences in North Carolina, while amusing to the editorial staffs at the San Francisco Chronicle and Bon Appetit Magazine, are hurtful and mean-spirited to chefs and cooks in the south. As Californians, you are aware of the pain caused by judgmental words. Thank you.
9) Many California residents embrace novel approaches to crime prevention. Some suggest those arrested for shoplifting and organized thievery are deserving of cooperation from aggrieved merchants via “holistic” approaches to criminal justice. North Carolina business owners indicate little support for such theories.
10) And, finally, please be aware two of the most popular attractions in North Carolina are museums, one dedicated to the Reverend Billy Graham, and another celebrating the history and glory of NASCAR automobile racing.
Question: Are you sure this is where you want to live?
PEACEMAKER
Donald Trump has been in office just a few months but already stone-cold settled four international wars, and three others if you squint a little and aren’t too picky.
But the 2025 Nobel Peace Prize went to Maria Machado in Venezuela who immediately shouted out a big Thank You to Trump and suggested the prize ought to have gone to him.
Also, the only president in U.S. history whose entire eight years were spent with America at war, Barack Obama, was presented with a Nobel Peace Prize after being office a few weeks.
More history: For 60-plus years liberal intellectuals have been on a nonstop quest for peace. For decades they have marched in Chicago, rioted in LA, stood at the corner of State and Perkins Streets in Ukiah, and all they were saying was Give Peace a Chance.
“No Blood for Oil” and “End the War Now!” were the heartfelt, deeply principled pleas that echoed through wars in Vietnam, the Falklands and in the Middle East, finally to the point of bumperstickers reading “I’m Already Against the Next War.”
Trump blew right past all the decayed, traditional international negotiating tactics and bargaining ploys forever practiced by State Department bureaucrats, and in short order hammered out agreements.
Next: Peace dawns, wars are over, and the oldest and most steadfast American anti-war pacifists respond by scowling and grumbling and folding their arms. No applause, no high-fives.
And in its own way it’s perfect. Peace breaks out, and at last we see what high-minded principles look like when practiced by leftists: Better we are at war under Democrats than we should suffer tranquility brokered by Republicans.
Liberalism, thy name is Hypocrisy!
Tom Hine, a registered Democrat, along with his invisible friend, TWK, live in Ukiah except when they camp out in North Carolina.
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