It’s not easy being you and me, especially when we look around and see what a breeze of a bowl of cherries life is for rich cats and poor dudes. And their wives and old ladies.
`Think of it: When the alarm goes off at 5:45 in the a.m. us worker bees have to wake up, get out of bed, drag a comb across our head(s) and face two hours of freeway commute, then eight hours slogging away at soul-deadening jobs with no pensions, no glamour, no respect. And then we drive home in the thickest traffic of the day.
Next: Eat some, TV some, and don’t forget to set the alarm.
But what if you’re rich? Or poor?
They tumble out of bed any old time they want, such as mid-afternoon, and crawl off to fetch a Bloody Mary or a 40-ouncer. Then back in bed.
You or me? Try rolling in to work around two o’clock, hammered, blowing a one point eight on the breathalyzer, and see how fast we get fired. But who ever heard of a rich dude getting fired? Same for a lazy unemployable loser.
And that’s just one disadvantage we fight against every day of the year. What follows is a depressing list of other ways the richest and poorest have the game figured out:
1) Never have to worry about inflation.
2) Other people raise your kids.
3) Don’t have to pay rent (wealthy chumps live in Daddy Warbucks’ old mansion; loser moves in with his old lady on welfare.)
4) Never get fired.
5) Not let your wife get a job.
6) Wife has no need for a job.
7) On a first-name basis with local judge.
8) Flunk out of college; a badge of honor for a rich guy, an inevitability for public school kid with a 3.8 GPA but can’t spell “Diploma.”
9) Marry your cousin.
10) Stand in line at the airport.
11) Get addicted, either as wealthy opium fiend or impoverished crackhead.
12) Never have to pay your lawyer.
13) No need to apply for a job.
14) No need to suffer through a job interview.
15) Drive a beater car; 2025 Bentley with a missing fender from playing Car Polo with debauched friends, ‘83 Hyundai with blue plastic tarp in window(s).
16) Have as many kids as you want, with anybody.
17) Gamble, either at Monte Carlo or with Lottery tickets.
18) Start drinking in the middle of the day, or earlier.
19) Never a poor performance review from the boss.
20) No commuting or traffic congestion worries.
21) Never pay taxes.
And as my dear old pappy once told me, “The best thing about being poor is that you never have to worry about leaving the car keys in your other pair of pants.”
’I Didn’t Know That!’
A) Were you aware one of the biggest salt mines in the world is in Cleveland, Ohio? Actually, the tunnel leading into it is in Cleveland; the salt mine itself is 1800 feet below Lake Erie.
B) In 2008 California voters approved a $33 billion initiative for high-speed rail running north and south. You probably are aware it hasn’t been built because you know it’s in California where nothing gets built.
But did you know that in the same time period China has built 23,000 miles of high speed rail?
C) It’s legal to litter roads and highways in California if it’s chicken feathers, but only from live chickens.
D) Did you know that If a teenage girl deletes a selfie photo, Facebook’s ever-alert system is programmed to presume the girl is in a fragile emotional state and unhappy with her looks. So it responds by sending her wagonloads of beauty product ads, weight loss tips, etc. Very classy.
E) Did you know a goldfish can break dance on your living room carpet, but only for 15 to 20 seconds?
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