Down South people think all Californians are either gay or work in Hollywood; we forgive them as they forgive us for believing all southerners are racist, uneducated redneck brutes.
Caricatures of our fellow citizens are not likely to withstand much scrutiny, but I will say that after three years careful study of my new neighbors and the invading hordes of west coasties some stereotypes do apply.
They see Californians as foreign creatures, visitors from a strange land. I have found it best to approach slowly, with both hands upraised about chest-high, palms out. “Howdy y’all!” I cry out, cheerfully. “We come in peace. We come bearing gifts of free cocaine and sexually transmitted diseases. Would you like to sell your house?”
The big thing in the south compared with California is money. In almost every transaction the advantage comes when you leave here and go there: gasoline, food, cigarettes, and of course real estate.
When you sell your doublewide in Calpella and move to another state you will have a lot of money in your pocket. You will be shocked and thrilled to see your bank account, and there’s no reason not to show off your newfound wealth.
Being filthy rich for the first time it is understandable you’ll want to flaunt your money while also letting all your new neighbors know that you are from California and are now slumming.
Many of us have traveled the same financial route after exiting the Golden State, and the manner in which we spent money has come to be known as “California Stupid.”
Some tips: Buy twice the house for half the money you sold your shack for in Laytonville and you’ll have plenty of cash to spend on a hot tub down south. (NOTE: Down there the words “hot tub” translate to “Beverly Hills hotshot.”)
Next stroll around your new neighborhood with a French Bulldog ($15,000 each) with a rhinestone collar, and hand out trinkets (CBD candies, vape kits and crack pipes for the kids) and invite their parents to join you in the hot tub. “Clothing optional!” I leer in my wolfish way.
There are other techniques to show everyone that west coast migrants are better than their new neighbors. (We’re from California, we just can’t help it.)
California Stupid means never missing an opportunity to brag about how much better west coast cuisine is compared with BBQ-anything. Talk a lot about the Warriors and Dodgers and how great San Francisco will be once its political leaders finally get rid of all the racists.
Talk about how hard you’re working to “Turn the state purple” wink wink.
California Stupid is going to the Kentucky Derby and telling everyone you think horse racing is no different from staging dog fights (which you also courageously oppose) and that PETA should sue to prevent racing in any form.
California Stupid is apparent when you demand a vegan pizza at Jack’s Pizza Shack, established in1964.
California Stupid is when you plant two dozen palm trees in your front yard in Tennessee, and California Stupid is also when you blame the Mexican gardeners when your palm trees die.
California Stupid is suggesting all vehicles involved in NASCAR events conform with NHTA exhaust emission regulations, and that by 2025 all vehicles must be solar and/or wind powered.
How I got rich…
Some people think getting ahead in life is a matter of luck and random factors favoring people born wealthy.
Too many people believe that. But when I was in North Carolina recently I found there are rules in life we can all adapt to pave the road ahead and enhance our happiness and well-being. In my case, I went from modest debt to $7 million in the bank. I’m now here to share with my Ukiah friends.
It wasn’t magic. It took hard work and determination. Things I started to do, and continue doing, to ensure I’m in a position to succeed:
1) Set the alarm for 4 a.m. every day of the year.
2) Wake up, take a cold shower.
3) Breakfast: One quart of ice cold water.
4) Make and maintain contacts. Nothing equals knowing people you can help, and vice versa.
5) Sister died, left me $8.7 million.
6) Seminars and conventions bring together successful people who share tips and inside information. Do not miss a seminar!
7) Run six miles before dinner.
8) Run six miles after dinner.
9) Repeat.
(Tom Hine authors this weekly ordeal and TWK gets both blame and credit. They live together, sort of, in both CA and NC.)
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