Election Follies

It’s hard to know what to think about the compost bucket mess of a scandal at county elections, but I’m having fun trying.

How about a Netflix series about a zany batch of incompetent government employees forever busy avoiding getting anything done, plus a pervasive aroma of incompetence from weasels running the office, with no one capable of covering up the latest mistake(s) except by revealing bigger mistakes to follow.

It’s difficult to grasp, but it’s clear to see the Mendocino County Elections Office has manufactured more blunders, and far more dangerous blunders, than the Anderson Valley Advertiser has committed in the past 70 years. Please note that the AVA published 52 newspapers a year.

Meanwhile, the county is required to stage one (1) election every two or four years. 

We’ve been holding elections (using less sophisticated tools) for many decades. How could an office in 2024 with just one task to perform commit such astonishing mistakes? Was every employee, every day, face-down drunk?

Something none of us outsiders (aka “citizens”) realized was that Mendo’s election crew has multiple teams of experienced outside consultants, overseers, agencies, coordinators and offices that appear to do the actual work that we all thought the elections department did.

So now the strategy is to use those outside consultants and ballot preparation teams as scapegoats, suggesting the blame lies with them. The reason for all county voters getting Republican party ballots, according to Katrina Bartolomei, Clerk-Recorder and Registrar of Voters: “The initial belief is that the 2021 redistricting may not have been correctly imputed into the voter files.” 

Oh. 

Watery stuff, Ms Bartolomei. The buck stops with the person in charge, and the person in charge should have monitored the process every step.

If the boss wasn’t on top of the job she’s inept; if she kept a close eye on everything and missed it, she’s incompetent. There were problems from three years ago she didn’t know about?

Look, dear friends, the County elections department is no whirlwind of activity. A few times a day someone comes to the sleepy office to register to vote. A clerk goes to the counter, takes down names and addresses, then puts all of them in a drawer marked “Republican.” 

That’s the busiest she’d been all week, and wonders if she should put in for overtime. She returns to her desk to play more Wordle.

A few months ago I tiptoed into the elections department out there on Low Gap Road. It was hushed and serene, like being in church but without the pretty windows.

I surveyed the room closely. No employee appeared severely intoxicated, so I was wrong about that. My bad. (If I make a thousand more mistakes this week I’ll be tied with our election officials for worst score ever.) 

We all find government services frustrating, whether at DMV, the welfare office, county health or the CIA. When it’s multiplied a thousand times we are at least rewarded with a laugh-a-minute scandal like the one ricocheting through the elections office right now.

They’re Coming For Us All 

First they came for our whitewall tires but I was young and didn’t own a car. So I said nothing.

Then they came for our manual transmissions, but I was silent because I did not understand how to operate one.

Next they came for our full size spare tire, and after that they came for all our spare tires. Our trunks were left empty. I said nothing. 

Then they came for our CB radios, but I kept quiet because I did not drive an 18-wheeler, nor did I wear a cowboy hat. 

Then they came for our sound systems, first taking eight-track tape decks and soon thereafter cassette decks and CD players. I said nothing.

And then domestic automakers took away our sedans, leaving us with only the lumpy SUVs to pick from. Though it wounded me deeply, I said nothing. 

Now they’ve come to strip the AM radios from our vehicles, and finally I shout “No! This shall not pass! We defy you!”

But I find I am alone.