DENISE FROM FORTUNA and Rush Limbaugh Talk Humboldt Culture, Hairy Armpits, Militant Feminists. (By Hank Sims. Courtesy Lost Coast Outpost — http://lostcoastoutpost.com/)
One of Humboldt County’s finest gave Rush Limbaugh a call this morning. Hilarity ensued.
Somewhat surprising to see such a chivalrous gentleman take the positions Rush takes below. Surely this will occasion a rethink of his political philosophy.
RUSH: Fortuna, California. Hi, Denise. Tell me your last name is not Ilitch!
CALLER: (laughing) No, it’s not.
CALLER: It’s not. (laughing) You want to know my last name? I don’t think you do.
RUSH: No, no, no, no, no. You don’t want to give it.
CALLER: It’s not Ilitch.
RUSH: I would love to know your last name but for your own privacy, safety, security…
CALLER: For my own protection, no. We’re in Humboldt County, which I know is a liberal bastion and all that. But we’re in a little enclave here that’s very, very conservative.
RUSH: Let me tell you something, Denise. I have been to Humboldt County.
RUSH: I have made two speeches in Humboldt County — two Rush to Excellence appearances in Humboldt County — one at Humboldt State.
CALLER: Oh! Where they had hairy armpits?
RUSH: (chuckling) Well, yeah, in the airport there was a woman —
CALLER: (laughing) Oh yes! You can always tell if they go to Humboldt State.
RUSH: — with her German shepherd guarding her that had hairy armpits. You’re exactly right.
CALLER: The girls have hairy armpits. The closer you get to us, the more southern you get, the more conservative they are — and in Fortuna, we don’t allow that.
RUSH: What do you mean the more southern you get? What do you mean southern in Humboldt County? What did I miss?
CALLER: Well, Fortuna is about 50 miles from the (garbled) and then the farther north you get —
RUSH: Oh! Oh! Oh! The more southern you get, oh. I thought you meant the more southern you get in attitude. I’m sorry. More southern part of the county.
CALLER: The more southern part of the county.
RUSH: Yeah, yeah.
CALLER: No telling about the real southern part of the county.
RUSH: No, I’m not kidding you. When I was in the airport at Humboldt County, when I was leaving there was an obviously militant feminist. She had this German Sheppard. You could spot this a mile away. I knew what was going on the moment I walked into the waiting room, hairy armpits and all. You’re exactly right.
CALLER: Yeah, see? Oh, yeah. It’s just wonderful. But in Fortuna, the sun shines.
RUSH: This woman was waiting to be attacked, and there was no chance.
RUSH: Never mind.
CALLER: Oh, okay.
* * *
YEARS AGO, I received a cassette tape carefully wrapped in antiquated brown paper of the type you used to get in old hardware stores. The neat little package was hand-addressed to the AVA and postmarked Fortuna. In an eerie, echoing, practiced voice of an experienced and gifted preacher, the recording was a racist rant about how the white race was being mongrolized and otherwise debilitated by inter-marriage, the whole of it, I thought at the time, delivered with the convinced passion of a true killer. I took it as a threat since the nut who’d made it had taken pains to get it specifically to my newspaper. It still creeps me out, as does Fortuna. And tidy bowl Ferndale, too. I always get a menacing vibe in both towns that doesn’t quit until I get over the west hills to groove-ville, Petrolia. Eureka and McKinleyville are muy cool, Arcata just manages to overcome the twin curses of Wes Chesbro and Dan Hauser. In Southern Humboldt, driving the outlaw’s alternate route to 101, you can get a feeling for the old days from Alderpoint on up into the Coast Range to Xenia and on down to Covelo. I’m not surprised that Limbaugh, “the dirigible of drivel,” in Alexander Cockburn’s apt description, has listeners in the Fortuna area. What’s always struck me odd about Limbaugh’s sway with the stupid and the mean of our doomed land, is how unfunny he is on his own terms. Reactionary humor can be a hoot, but Limbaugh isn’t even as amusing as the random fat fool you’d run into at Ukiah Rotary telling lesbian jokes from 1955. Hairy armpits? What kind of weird obsession is that, even for a misogynist?
AS IF THE TINFOIL HAT brigades didn’t have enough to worry about, it is now confirmed by PG&E’s very own lapdog Public Utilities Commission yet, that a PG&E executive, William Devereaux, was spying on the brigaders! The crafty Devereaux resigned in November 2010 after admitting he used the name “Ralph” to infiltrate a Sebastopol-based online group of consumers opposed to PG&E's digital meters. How cunning of Mr. D! A fake name to slither into an on-line activist chat group!
WHEN ITS PATHETIC infiltration ruse was revealed, PG&E disowned Devereaux. They said he was a “rogue employee” who’d acted on his own. In fact Devereaux was the senior director of PG&E's SmartMeter program from October 2009 through early November 2010, colluding all the while with other of the utility’s management wizards to sabotage opposition to smart meters.
THE PUC’s reluctant investigation into the matter has concluded that, “PG&E senior management knew of Mr. Devereaux's deceit before it was reported in the press and failed to prevent and stop his inappropriate behavior. By lying to and infiltrating anti-smart meter consumer groups, Mr. Devereaux, acting on behalf of PG&E, violated PG&E's obligation to provide just and reasonable service to its customers.”
IT DOESN’T TAKE much of a ruse
To slink into a chatroom and schmooze
‘Hey guys, I’m wearing a coil
that’s made out of real tin foil’
Too bad they all sneer at your views.