Investigation of the June ballot reveals an odd roster of candidates indeed.
Candidates for Senate to replace Barbara Boxer...
Pamela Elizondo. Green. (No ballot statement). (Ms. E is a perennial candidate who lives in Laytonville who has popped up at election time for the past thirty years to run for something.)
Dr. Akinyemi Olabode Agbede, Democrat. He wants to “Rescue America!!!” … People in Washington has [sic] collapsed this country.” … “electing Dr. Akinyemi Agbede as your next united States senator representing the golden state of California 2016 is the answer in order for our country to be reclaimed back.” Maybe it's time to elect non-English speakers to make sense of things.
Jerry Laws, Republican. “Constitutionalist. Americanism.” That’s it. Vote for Jerry if for no other reason than he won't waste a lot of time with details.
Loretta Sanchez, Democrat. Ms. Sanchez has been around a while and has been a pretty good congresswoman. Her ballot statement is well written and says some good things straight from the lib-lab catechism.
Duf Sundheim, Republican. “I promise to be different.” And, “I solve problems for a living.” Duf mentions governor Schwarzennegger who, Duf insists, “got stuff done.” (Not true. Schwarzenegger proposed several good government reform measures which went exactly nowhere.) There’s more standard Repub verbiage from Duf that go over big at Rotary but are otherwise laughable.
Ling Ling Shi, No Party Preference. “Run for God’s Heart and America’s Freedom, challenge 10 giant chaos in economy and economy-related sectors.” She reminds us of the 12 Galaxies guy we see walking around San Francisco with unintelligible messages on a large placard. Might be the 12 Galaxies' guy's mom.
Paul Merritt, No Party Preference. Mr. Merritt’s ballot statement drifts from first person to third and back while endorsing the Trump Border fence, opposing off-shore drilling and supporting desert protection. “Merritt [himself] adheres [sic] that President Reagan’s idea on small government is best.” Merritt [himself] has two law degrees, is a broker, a hotel owner, an elected city councilperson, a member of homeowner boards in Palm Springs, Santa Barbara, San Francisco, Orange County and is a “life member Nature Conservancy.” “Merritt is independent for all citizens. Paul Merritt is a Californian!” In spite of all that he still releases an official ballot statement that says “Merritt adheres that President Reagan…”
Massie Munroe, Democrat and candidate of the Tin Foil Hat battalions. Ms. Munroe proposes “the new ‘Energy Technology Era’ [that] will saturate US job markets for the next 500 years.” Ms. Munroe wants to end “mind control slavery” and “non-consensual human experimentation” as well as hunger, homelessness and violence by “practicing Christ consciousness… See my evidence and review my service. Senator Bernie Sanders’ presidency is crucial for bringing this into reality.”
Tim Gildersleeve, No Party Preference. “I am a follower of Jesus Christ.” Mr. Gildersleeve also “stands for the poor, elderly and disabled, environmental issues, unions, small business, and represent the average citizen.” Hey! This guy might actually be a Christian.
President Cristina Grappo, Democrat. Apparently “President” is her actual first name. Which could be a problem if she’s elected: “Ladies and Gentlemen, Senator President Grappo!” Ms. Grappo “holds a Democratic Party platform with key issues for gun control, human trafficking, balancing the national deficit, and foreign policy initiatives. I am a mainstream Facebook in social media! My core values drive America!” (Not quite over the cliff yet, but close.)
Don J. Grundman, No Party Preference. “Fight-the-power.org.”
Herbert G. Peters, Democrat. “Andrew Jackson Democrat.” Whatever that means in the 21st century context. Jackson was a great democrat but believed in slavery and killing Indians. Among other things, Mr. Peters wants to “repeal welfare and minimum wage so all can find jobs. Churches and Charities help needful.” They sure do, Herb, but we're gonna need a lot more help than churches and charities can provide.
Tom Palzer, Republican. A cookie-cutter “Life-at-Conception” Republican, which reminds us of the old joke: Why are American men always present at the births of their children? Because they aren't present at conception. Or the other old joke: Q: When does life begin? A: In a man’s scrotum after two beers.
Greg Conlon, Republican. Business consultant. Attorney. CPA. Former USAF pilot. Eagle Scout! And, most damning: “Former Commissioner and President of the California Public Utilities Commission.” He wants to put a hiring freeze on the federal government, deport anybody with an expired visa, and “reduce the income tax rate on large businesses…” Like it hasn't been steadily reduced for years now?
Karen Roseberry, Republican. “S.A.V.E. the future!” Whatever, Kar, but you're going to have to flesh out your stance a little.
Von Hougo, Republican. Mr. Hougo says he’ll set up a high-tech voter polling system that will direct all his votes on all issues. Although a “Republican,” he insists he’ll do whatever his polling tells him to do which is another way of saying I'm for mob rule.
Jason Hanania, No Party Preference. Mr. Hanania’s entire ballot statement is: “01100101.” Which is binary code for 101 decimal. Maybe he’s for widening Highway 101. Maybe he loves Al Gore’s Internet Superhighway. Or maybe he’s a cyborg. We have no idea. On his website he says he’s “the first e-voting candidate.” (Then we looked it up: 01100101 stands for the letter ‘e’ in binary code. He’s an attorney… For the full explanation — he’s got a legit point — check his website.
Kamala Harris, Democrat. We're voting for her. Why? She's smart and we met her once in Frisco when she actually paused to talk with us but, just when were about to ask for a full body liberal hug, she sprinted for the exits.
Mike Beitiks, No Party Preference. Mr. Beitiks is a one-issue guy: Climate Change. “I swear on the graves of future Californians that I will not sacrifice our actual climate to our political climate.” Future Californians will be in their graves a lot sooner than you think, Mike, way things are going.
Jason Kraus, No Party Preference. “We must remove all forms of income tax which will increase employment.” … “I am an American, just like you.” Not like us, thank you. We think the rich ought to be taxed to the max.
Don Krampe, Republican. Former Marine from the Korean War. Insists that the “two party system is dysfunctional.” Very patriotic guy, obviously, and just as obviously the correct kind of guy, being a Marine who fought in Korea, some of the toughest fighting anywhere, ever. He's right about the dysfunction, although it suits the ownership just fine but undoubtedly wrong about what to do about it.
OVERALL, a goofy bunch of barely literate nuts, but then this is the country that elected Bush and Reagan so we can't be too judgmental, can we?
If you’re going to the trouble of telling a joke, you should make sure you have the set up correct: “Why do American men insist on attending the birth of their children? Because they aren’t certain they were there for the conception.” I believe my source was the fine book ‘Travels in Siberia’ by Ian Frazier.