For optimal effect, please tune your mind's ear to a soothing, avuncular baritone that tails off wistfully at the ends of sentences…
And now the news from Fort Bragg, where the women are patient, the men spend a lot of time at home, and the children are around here somewhere… It's officially summer and the marijuana is already as high as a Doberman's thigh. It's expected to be a bumper crop this year if you talk to Rollie Deschutes down at the Weed Feed 'n' Seed as some do, though I wouldn't recommend it, given the condition of his oral hygiene… Rollie's let himself "go to pot," so to speak, since that big disappointment with the VFW poetry contest in the early spring. Turned out the whole thing was a fever dream brought on by a surfeit of immature peyote buttons served to him in the guise of Brussel sprouts by his practical joking cousin Ephraim. Rollie's 5,000-word ode to jellybeans, written entirely in squid ink on discarded plywood sheets, will be on display at the back of the store until August.
In baseball news, the Fort Bragg Fogbound lost a squeaker to the Westport Echinoderms Friday due to what is being generally considered a blatantly erroneous call. Will "Hoofbeats" Henry, second sacker for the Westport nine, hit a dribbler down the third base line which clearly bounced foul, causing the Fort Bragg infield to relax its defenses, before trickling back into fair territory just in front of the bag. Umpire Dave Munschak of Sea Ranch, whose ostensible neutrality is being called into question in light of his being thrown over at last year's Harvest Ball by Fort Bragg belle Jemima Castro for a young Kurt Russell look-alike, called it fair, allowing Deke Bloodgood to score from third. "Lumbering" might be the kindest way to describe Deke's ponderous peregrinations down the basepath and he surely would have been thrown out were the Fort Bragg infield not collectively agog at the egregiousness of the call and trying to distance themselves from the impending lightning strike. Munschak stood his ground, though, and Henry's RBI cemented the win for Westport. Some name-calling and light shoving ensued but further violence was averted when Sarah Patchett took the mike and soothed the crowd with her trademark rendition of "Stardust."
The lovely Miss Jemima Castro, you may recall, participated as an extra along with the rest of the Castro family in the film Overboard. Jemima was a small child at the time but powerfully affected by the presence of Mr. Russell, making it entirely understandable that her head be turned away from the plump and pasty, if well-groomed, Mr. Munschak.
Westport travels to Laytonville next week to do battle with the Lagomorphs, and Fort Bragg hosts the Port Arena Purse Seiners.
It's been a banner week for Rhett and Glenda Shipman over at the Seaside Diner. Rhett, as most of you already know, has been in a bit of a funk of late due to his mother-in-law coming down from Olympia, Washington for an indefinite stay. Rhett has nothing against Glenda's mother per se, but to accommodate her, he was forced to clear out the spare room which he'd been using as a workshop to construct Jazz Age dioramas from found materials. Now everything's in a bit of a jumble out back in the drying shed and Rhett is at loose ends after closing time. But he's been somewhat mollified by getting the contract to cater the mass wedding of a local doomsday cult. 80 couples are scheduled to tie the knot next Sunday, hoping to have their love sanctified in time for the end of the world in mid-July. Rhett and Glenda will provide crab cakes, fettucine Alfredo, and chicken cordon bleu.
Odd doings over at the filling station, where Doak Overstreet, while waiting for pump jockey Devin Dekalb to fill the tank of his Cherokee, paused for refreshment and hit the Sprite button on the soda machine only to receive a bottle of Belle-Mer Seafood Tonic. The Belle-Mer bottling plant went out of business in 1974 after their beverages were found to be responsible for some curious swellings in the extremities of some local teens. Although the Belle-Mer Corporation was later vindicated when the condition was found to be psychosomatic and related to test anxiety, owner Forrest Dunwoodie was glad to be shed of the company and took the opportunity to retire to Healdsburg with his beloved Basenjis and write his memoirs.
Devin opened up the machine and, finding no more anomalous beverages, gave Doak his desired Sprite and took possession of the mystery bottle. A round-table discussion will be held in the aft service bay this Friday after closing to discuss the matter and determine the ultimate disposition of the tonic. Any interested parties may attend.
Councilman Trawick persists in the belief that he is a sea lion, despite being shown much convincing evidence to the contrary; the councilman responds to pictures of himself with joyful barking as if to say, Hey, I recognize that nice man… Pity poor Mrs. Councilman Trawick, this isn't the first delusion her husband has suffered from — it was his insistence that he was in fact a councilman that got him elected in the first place. Why not?, the city fathers said with a collective shrug, after Mr. Trawick had interposed himself into his third consecutive meeting and voted with the majority. Councilman Eggers put forth that since he'd done so well as a city official he might make a perfectly serviceable sea lion and we should just leave well enough alone, but the mayor pointed out that Trawick was never a very strong swimmer and the rip currents had been particularly strong this year. Anyone seeing Bill Trawick heading for the water is asked to try to divert him somehow, perhaps with a fish or a beach ball.
The annual Lizard Derby will come off as planned two weeks hence despite protestations from a number of participants regarding the importation of swifter Sonoma County reptiles into the competition. Said Meaux Crittenden, winner of three past derbies with his always-game Blue Boy, "It has always been understood, if not expressly stated, that the race be confined to Mendocino County lizards. These Sonoma County animals certainly violate the spirit of the competition, if not the actual rules." Ferlin DeJesus of the Oddfellows, sponsor of the contest, had this to say: "I don't care if you fly in a Komodo dragon from Indonesia as long as you keep it muzzled." Sounds like Blue Boy had better get some roadwork in…
Anyone paying attention in recent weeks has noticed sparks flying anytime Regis Derwent and Mae Crispin inhabit the same space, and there are at least two people in town who are not very pleased about it. Mae broke up with Roger Frische right after prom, she says, for his flirtatious behavior with various members of the pep squad. But some speculate that she's had her eye on Regis for some time and only waited until after prom to spare Roger some embarrassment. Becky Hardisty has been carrying a torch for Regis for years, and her instability is well-documented. She is the prime suspect in the recent redecoration of Derwent's garage door on which was spray-painted, "If I Can't Have You, No One Can!" The whole situation bears watching, if you want this reporter's opinion…
As does the North Coast Puppet Repertory Theatre's public-access presentation of "Waiting for Godot," scheduled for Thursday next at 8pm. Tune into channel 315 to see the classic absurdist drama performed by sock puppets.
Now, good citizens, if I may beg your indulgence, I'd like to turn the focus away from the local and onto a more personal and international matter, if you don't mind.
We've all heard the horrifying reports from the Middle East about Isis, you know, and their atrocities, really a terrible situation, just awful. Beheadings and the like, completely inhuman treatment of these poor people, a real shame if you ask me. So far removed from us here in our idyllic little hamlet, both geographically and idealistically. You might be thinking sure, it's sad, but what has it to do with me? That's what I thought too but I was recently contacted by a high muckety-muck from some government agency or another, I can't recall which but there were initials involved. Anyway, it seems they've concocted an interesting scheme to defang these fiends and subvert their evil agenda which involves Yours Truly.
The plan is to erect powerful loudspeakers and radio receivers all over Isis-held territory and broadcast my voice delivering the local Fort Bragg news 24 hours a day, every day. It is expected that those who are not actually bored to death will kill themselves after a day or so, and with so many weapons at hand, the whole operation is expected to take less than a week. The only impediment to the plan is a delay during which a team of crack government attorneys will be scrutinizing the details carefully to determine if such an assault wouldn't be considered a violation of Geneva Convention standards of humane warfare. It seems a few government functionaries have called the plan "unnecessarily cruel — they are human beings, after all." Nobody can accuse the USA of not playing fair, am I right?
And that's the news from Fort Bragg, where the women are patient, the men spend a lot of time at home, and the children… where the hell are those little bastards?
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