Dave Eyster & His Invisible Friend

A PLAY IN ONE ACT

BUNNY: Dave? Dave? Dave it’s me. Dave! Dave wake up!

DAVE: Huh? Whaa? Dave’s not here.

B: No Dave, you’re Dave. You’re here. Dave it’s me, Bunny. Dave! Wake up! It’s your imaginary friend Bunny!

D: Dave’s not here. He’s not taking calls and I’m not returning messages. Dave’s not me anymore. I’m not me anymore either, now that I think of it but I can’t think or I wouldn’t have gotten me into this mess. So tell Bruce Anderson I’m not here and I’m not returning messages and to quit calling me and demanding an interview. Tell him Dave’s not here!

B: Right. Of course. Has, uhh, Bruce Anderson over at that Boonville newspaper thing been calling you, Dave? Recently?

D: All the time! He’s leaving messages in my teeth, in the fillings of my teeth! All day long he’s yelling at me. Somebody’s got to tell him Dave’s Not Here!

B: Umm, Dave, you maybe should know that Bruce Anderson had an operation last year. Surgery. Surgery on his throat and now he can’t talk. He’s mute.

D: What?!? Say that again! What?

B: He can’t talk. He isn’t sending you messages in your fillings because he’s unable to speak.

D: Why, why … am I in heaven? No more that guy, that guy you know, calling me up? No more? Did I die and go to heaven?

B: Look, Dave. He can’t hurt you any more. No one can hurt you. I’ll protect you. Don’t worry about him. Just get some rest and forget about your problems. They’ll seem small in the morning.

D: I can’t sleep. All I do is toss and turn.

B: What about the Oxycontin? Isn’t that helping you sleep? With the Southern Comfort and Raley’s gin?

D: Arrgh. Out of oxycontin. All gone. No more refills. I’ll never sleep again.

B: Refills? Like at a pharmacy? Don’t be silly. What about the evidence locker? Lots of confiscated pills in there. Oxycontin, Nembutol, Fentanyl. What about Fentanyl? Didn’t Ukiah cops just bring down 6000 Fentanyl pills over on West Clay Street? They’re in the evidence locker and you’ve got the key.

D: Uggh. Fentanyl. Hurts my stomach. I take fentanyl and I get these nightmares; Mike Geniella chasing me around the courthouse throwing typewriters at me and shouting Portuguese curses at my unborn grandchildren.

B: Hmm. No point trying Melatonin or CBD juice.

D: Don’t make me laugh.

B: Dave, you worry too much. This is all going to pass. It’s all going to melt away and you’ll be retired and living on a beach with the fattest pension the county can’t afford, not with the way you bankrupted it. So smile and feel good. Don’t worry, be happy!

D: OK, one last thing that’s got my orifices leaking. What about TWK and that column he’s got for next week telling the Board of Supervisors to fire me. Then what? What about my pension and my happy future if that happens?

B: Oh Dave, just listen to yourself! That’s crazy talk. The Board of Supervisors can’t fire you. You’re an elected official! They can’t touch you.

D: (Exhales big sigh.) Oh Bunnykins, that’s great. Wow. Thanks.

B: Especially because there’s precedent.

D: Huh?

B: Precedent. Like if another elected official got fired and it wasn’t contested then it turns into a ruling or decision-type thing where it’s the new law. At least I think that’s how it works. Like what you did when you had the Board fire Chemise Cubbison, even though she’s an elected official. Illegal as can be. The board obviously couldn’t do that, but now that you’ve established precedent it’s smooth sailing. Next stop: Sunny beach in a country with no extradition agreements.

D: Huh. Guess I’m smarter than I thought. Get Bruce Anderson on the line.