Mendocino County Today: Monday, Jan. 1, 2024

Dry Day | Rainbow | Earthquakes | Ukiah Stabbing | Donna J | Valley Deaths | Boomer Jack | Mail Theft | Whitmore Building | Creative Writing | MCHCD Credibility | Toast | Mendo Beavers | Westport Landing | Ed Notes | Deathness | CSD Meeting | 2024 | Historic Equipment | Yesterday's Catch | Bar Joke | Computer Tip | PG&E Rates | Miss Beatniks | Roosevelt Search | Water Graphed | Wine Troubleshooting | Not Intelligent | Top Seed | Carlisle Indians | Pointless | Order/Species | Nature-Loving Advisory | Hillbilly Scientology | Hafez Sez | Spinning Fast | 55 Party | Resolutions | Troubles

DRY WEATHER TODAY. Rain and high mountain snow arrives on Tuesday. Showers and possible thunderstorms on Wednesday. Progressively colder storms with lower snow levels are expected Friday through Sunday. (NWS)

STEPHEN DUNLAP (Fort Bragg): Happy New Year! 43F under clear skies to start 2024. Rain returns for Tuesday & Wednesday, dry Thursday & then more rain into the weekend.

A 3.0 QUAKE hit east of Boonville at 12:17 p.m. early Sunday afternoon according to the USGS. This is the second registered earthquake in Mendocino County in two days. A 2.6 quake struck east of Willits on Dec. 30.

AND AT 5:15 THIS MORNING, January 1, a 2.9 quake struck near The Geysers.

MAJOR QUAKE IN JAPAN: A devastating earthquake hit central Japan today [December 31] with a preliminary magnitude of 7.6, triggering a tsunami warning as residents were urged to evacuate. The Japan Meteorological Agency reported huge quakes off the coast of Ishikawa prefecture and nearby areas shortly after 4pm local time. The agency issued a major tsunami warning for Ishikawa and lower-level tsunami warnings or advisories for the rest of the western coast of the island of Honshu. Japanese public broadcaster NHK TV warned torrents of water could reach as high as 16.5ft (5m) and urged people to flee to high land or to the top of nearby buildings. The tsunami waves could keep returning, according to NHK, as warnings continued to be aired nearly an hour after the initial alert. A tsunami around 3ft (1m) high struck parts of the coast along the Sea of Japan with a larger wave expected.

— Daily Mail

TEENAGER ARRESTED FOR STABBING UKIAH WOMAN

On Saturday, December 30, 2023 at approximately 12:32am, Ukiah Police Department (UPD) personnel received a call from an hysterical female subject requesting an emergency response to 749 South State Street. The female caller stated that she had been stabbed by an unknown male subject. UPD Officers responded to the location and located a 29-year-old female from Ukiah lying on the ground covered in blood. UPD Officers requested Code 3 (Emergency) response from medical personnel and began performing medical aid to the victim. 

The victim had a single stab wound to her left shoulder just above the armpit. Officers attempted to gather information on possible suspect description or direction of travel with little information provided by the victim, due to her state of shock. Once medical personnel arrived on scene and transported the victim to Adventist Health Ukiah Valley (AHUV) Emergency Room. UPD Officers began canvassing the area for potential leads or witnesses. 

A 50-year-old male from Ukiah approached two UPD Officer’s and told them that a male subject had just tried to stab him. This victim provided a description of the suspect as a male wearing grey sweatpants, dark jacket, baseball hat, and longer curly hair. This information was broadcasted on the radio to other UPD Officers. Shortly after a UPD Sergeant observed a subject matching that exact description walking eastbound across South State Street from Observatory Avenue. The subject appeared to be heavily intoxicated, and began walking northbound in the middle of South State Street before entering the parking lot area of Express Mart (998 S. State Street). 

Due to the circumstances of this investigation the UPD Sergeant activated his emergency lights, exited his vehicle, drew his department-issued firearm, and ordered the male subject to the ground. The male subject complied, and was detained in handcuffs. A fixed-blade kitchen knife (Serrated steak knife) was immediately located inside of the suspect’s front hooded sweatshirt pocket. The suspect was determined to be a 16-year-old male, so he was not questioned regarding the incident. He was placed under arrest for public intoxication and transported to the UPD. 

During the course of the UPD investigation, the female victim positively identified the 16-year-old male as the suspect who stabbed her. The female victim later told Officers that she was walking northbound on the east sidewalk of South State Street in the 700 block, when unprovoked, the suspect approached her and made two stabbing motions towards her person. She was able to avoid the first, however the second entered her left shoulder. The male suspect then immediately fled the area. 

The 16-year-old male suspect was taken to Ukiah Hospital ER for a medical clearance due to his intoxication level prior to incarceration in the Mendocino County Juvenile Hall. He was later booked for attempted murder of the female victim, assault with a deadly weapon on the male victim, and public intoxication. This investigation is ongoing and any witnesses to this crime are urged to contact the Ukiah Police Department. 

As always, UPD’s mission is to make Ukiah as safe a place as possible. If you would like to know more about crime in your neighborhood, you can sign up for telephone, cellphone, and email notifications by clicking the Nixle button on our website; http://www.ukiahpolice.com.

(Ukiah Police Presser)

VALLEY DEATHS, 2023: Gone But Not Forgotten

Noted by the Anderson Valley Advertiser

A READER WRITES: We live on a rural inland route with mail boxes provided by the U.S. Mail Service. Apparently yet again someone has acquired a key for them and is stealing mail. Such a drag, and not the first time. We have had our mail held, without notification, for weeks on end in the past year. It seems like there is a story here. We've lost newspapers, credit card statements, packages, etc. Since the perps are accessing with keys we have no real idea that we've been victimized sometimes for two or more weeks. The folks at the Ukiah Post Office are of little help. Since these items are recorded as delivered, we have to recourse with senders for missing documents or packages. It is my understanding that the issue is fairly widespread in the area. Thanks again for your help getting us our missing AVA editions.

Mark Scaramella replies: Oh boy. Presumably police reports have been filed. If so, the police reports could be a way, albeit burdensome, to explain to senders what the problem is and at least get some replacements or time extensions. 

DENNIS TOTH ASKS: Mendocino County Architecture of the Year, where is the expensive building that we bought on Whitmore Lane?

Mark Scaramella replies: According to Supervisor Mulheren (at the Inland Dems Candidate Forum December 23, 2023) while claiming credit for how wonderfully she and her colleagues have handled the Measure B money: “Construction should begin next year.” When last discussed the cost was estimated to be well over $20 million (for a facility that is more than twice as large as the estimated Mendo occupancy). But if the County can get it built quickly (e.g., end of 2024; unlikely, of course) they might qualify for a state grant/subsidy of $9.5 million to be reimbursed after the fact, maybe, which might then be used to replace the money they “borrowed” from Measure B to pay for (some of) the jail expansion overrun. And that’s presumably why there’s no repayment plan — they think they’ll eventually get the state grant to pay it back. That’s the hope, anyway. If this speculative juggling sounds like the dominoes are spaced too far apart to you, you’re not the only one.

WHOLE LOTTA HUSTLIN' GOIN' ON

by Malcolm Macdonald

“The end justifies the means,” is often attributed to Machiavelli, but likely has roots reaching back another 1,500 years to the Roman poet Ovid and the Latin phrase “exitus acta probat.” That translates as the outcome justifies the deeds. Whether Roman or Machiavellian the term has been used to defend a philosophy in which consequences outweigh the conduct employed to reach them. Of course, an obvious retort follows, unethical means thus corrupt the end result. With that in mind, let’s try to unravel a present day dilemma.

Since the summer of 2020 when the Mendocino Coast Health Care District (MCHCD) affiliated with Adventist Health the MCHCD Board of Directors has been almost devoid of support staff. This has led to a near constant state of disgruntlement between various factions on the board and the perception at times that the board is nothing more than a dysfunctional mess. 

At a February 23, 2023 meeting, MCHCD Board chair Lee Finney motioned the establishment of an ad hoc committee on office staffing with board members Jade Tippett and Susan Savage to comprise said ad hoc. It should be noted that Finney, Tippett, and Savage ran as a slate, encouraged by the Coast Democratic Club, in the fall 2022 election which resulted in four brand new board members.

The ad hoc committee went through fits and starts, including Tippett’s resignation from the board in July, but by then the ad hoc had honed in on creating a job description for an executive director. After re-drafting multiple times, an executive director job description was adopted by the board on August 17, 2023. According to Savage’s minutes of that meeting, “It was agreed to post the position on all appropriate platforms.”

As it turns out, Savage apparently only posted the opening for an executive director on the MCHCD website... not with any popular job search sites on the internet, in newspapers, nor did she employ links available through the California Special District Association (CSDA).

The MCHCD Board devoted much of its special meeting on September 21^st to selecting someone to replace Tippett. After a painstaking process, a 2-2 tie vote was eventually broken and Paul Garza was selected.

Until that day Mr. Garza had never attended a MCHCD Board meeting, in person or via Zoom. Garza’s letter of interest for the position began, “I received notice from the Coast Democrats that you are seeking to fill an opening on the Mendocino Coast Health Care District Board.” 

On September 25, Director Savage, as Secretary of the Board, received a letter of interest about the executive director position from Kathy Wylie. At Paul Garza’s first official meeting on September 28, Chair Finney removed Vice-Chair Paul Katzeff from the staffing ad hoc committee, appointing Garza to work with Savage. At the same meeting, the executive director position was amended to indicate a salary range of $90,000 - $110,000 per year. 

On September 30, Savage emailed Wylie to coordinate a meeting between Garza, Wylie, and Savage in the coming week. “We’re hoping to have a proposal for the Board’s consideration at the October meeting (the last Thursday of the month) if possible.” The next day Wylie responded that she was available at almost any time. 

Something dramatically shifted within a few days after Garza’s first board meeting. Rather than find an executive director it appears that he contacted Regional Government Services (RGS). Regional Government Services is an organization that provides administrative support not only to special districts but also countywide and municipal government entities. Both the City of Fort Bragg and Mendocino County have used them.

On October 2, four days into Garza joining Savage on the hiring ad hoc committee, they received an “initial informal proposal” from RGS “to provide administrative services for the district.” This is where the ends justifying the means question rears its head. 

This writer posed a question recently to a longtime healthcare administrator. The question essentially asked if a government official could recruit a company rather than wait for responses to the posted job. The reply: “Yes, but only if the agency [MCHCD] has posted with a ‘reasonable’ amount of time allocated for replies in a ‘reasonable’ circulation media. Also, it must be disclosed to the Board and the new strategy approved by such Board.” I also asked an elected government official the same question. The government official’s response was remarkably similar.

Jump forward to the next MCHCD Board meeting on October 26, 2023. Paul Garza gave a brief report from the ad hoc committee. There was no mention of a change in strategy, no mention of Regional Government Services at all. The October 2 proposal from RGS was not reported to the full board or public at this meeting, even though RGS’s director of finance services had emailed Garza and Savage on October 10, 11, and 12. On the 11, Garza emailed back, “We will be talking to the candidate tomorrow morning.” 

The “candidate” was Kathy Wylie. On October 14, 16, and 17, Garza and Savage received emails from Sophia Selivanoff, RGS executive director. By October 18, according to emails exchanged between Selivanoff and Garza and Savage, it was apparent that Wylie had joined the RGS team. An October 18 email from Selivanoff to Garza and Savage states,“We will work on adding her [Wylie] to our proposal…”

An October 20, 2023 proposal from RGS includes Wylie as part of “key personnel” for RGS. None of this was revealed to the full board or the public in Garza’s October 26 “report.”

On December 14 the MCHCD Board accepted RGS’s proposal to provide administrative services through June 30, 2024. The vote was 3-2, with Directors Finney, Garza, and Savage voting yes. Directors Katzeff and Sara Spring voted no, voicing adamant dissent in their remarks, largely based on the lack of information provided to them during the process.

Why Wylie went along with the change from applying for the executive director position on her own to becoming a part of RGS’s “key personnel” team remains somewhat of a mystery other than this remark by Sophia Selivanoff in an October 18 email, “She has indicated a willingness to join the team if that makes best sense for the district.” 

Whether Wylie asked any further questions of Garza and Savage regarding their disclosures to the full board is left unanswered within the documents provided through a public records request. Since 2001, Kathy Wylie has been a member of the Mendocino County Grand Jury nine separate times. 

Garza’s motion at the Dec. 14 meeting stated that the health care district use “one time money” to pay RGS. Neither Garza nor Savage and Finney made any attempt to state precisely where the “one time money” was coming from. Based on a monthly charge for RGS’s “Agency Administrator Services” of $13,200 and a one-time assessment fee of $10,000 as well as a one-time project services fee of $15,000 the six and a half month contract will cost MCHCD $110,800.

To refresh readers’ memories, the posted job for an executive director provided for a salary between $90,000 to $110,000 for a full year’s work.

An interesting tidbit popped up in an October 17 email from Garza to Selivanoff. Garza wrote, “I have gone through your proposal and it looks attractive. One thing needed politically is references from Mendocino County and other neighboring counties, if available. We have personalities that will need them for credibility.” Garza has yet to define “personalities” or whether they are confined to the board itself or spread into the general public.

On the day of the December 14 MCHCD Board meeting a document was added to the agenda’s supporting material. That being a brief letter of reference from Mendocino County Supervisor Ted Williams. It concluded, “Should you decide to procure services from Regional Government Services, I am confident that their work product will improve district credibility.”

Whether or not Williams was aware of the means used to procure Regional Government Services is unknown at this point. Whether or not the supervisor’s confidence in RGS is well-placed, time will tell.

BEAVERS STILL LIVE IN MENDO

1. Lew Chichester, Covelo:

Beavers in Mendocino County: There’s a place name in the Mendocino National Forest, “Beaver Glade,” and a few vestiges of aspen groves here and there. Tom Keeter, retired Forest Service, with extensive experience in the Six Rivers Forest and knowledge of the Yolla Bollys, has said that it is quite likely that at one time there were beaver colonies out here. Just a subtle shift in climate, a bit cooler, a bit more rain, little creeks and ponds, and the conditions would exist for a beaver population. Not that long ago this was quite possible. The Hudson Bay trappers came through this area (inland Mendocino County, Round Valley, etc.) in the 1830s. A big expedition, more than a hundred individuals with pack animals, and probably got whatever larger fur bearing animals could be found. There aren’t any beavers here anymore.

2. There are a few beavers in Big River. Fish and Game planted some there in the 1950s. I think they were problem beavers damaging levees in the Central Valley, so Fish and Game trapped and relocated them to places where it was hoped the beaver would create fish habitat. Occidental Arts and Ecology Center published a great paper regarding the history of beaver presence on the north coast, it can be found online.

3. Sheriff Matt Kendall: “There are several beaver dams on Outlet Creek around mile marker 1.5 on the Covelo Road. I used to stop there and check their progress occassionally. There are also some beaver dams in the Little Lake Valley (outside Willits.)

ED NOTES

THE CUBBISON AFFAIR is a fine example of the absence of local leadership of an adult type. The DA and his five supervisorial enablers could have simply met with Cubbison and Kennedy before they accused the two women of felony embezzlement. “There seems to be a $67,000 bookkeeping discrepancy here. Explain what happened.”

THAT EXPLANATION would have been something like, “Well, because of Covid Ms. Kennedy had to do some payroll work from her home. Ms. Cubbison’s predecessor, Loyld Weer signed off on this arrangement. Ms. Cubbison, with Covid having run its course, cancelled the Weer arrangement. There is no evidence either Cubbison or Kennedy stole public money.”

THE CEO, EYSTER and the five supervisors would have said, “Good. All the money is accounted for. Let's move on.”

INSTEAD, the DA blows a non-criminal matter into, count ’em, four lawyers, and endless court appearances by all involved at huge public expense, with Cubbison arbitrarily and summarily removed from her elected position as the supervisors waive presumption of innocence and due process for a woman maligned and ruined simply for challenging the DA's expense reimbursements. Which was her job. Ditto for Ms. Kennedy. No presumption of innocence for her, either.

THE SUPERVISORS destroyed Cubbison simply because they didn’t like Cubbison’s attitude toward them and her refusal to take the blame for the Board’s and CEO’s and other departmental failures.

TO PUT IT GENTLY, the public interest is not served here. If a vengeful DA and five incompetent supervisors can ruin two county employees on the basis of zero evidence of wrongdoing, and ruining the two women without even trying them first…

RECOMMENDED READING: Some time ago I noticed an events posting in the Chronicle that said a woman named Shirley Ann Wilson Moore had written a history of black people in Richmond called “To Place Our Deeds.” I went to hear her speak at the California Historical Society on Mission Street in San Francisco, around the corner from SF Moma, and many more times as interesting. And free. SF Moma charges around twenty bucks for exhibits heavy on artistic fraud. 

MS. MOORE'S lecture was one of the best lectures I’ve heard in a more or less scholarly context, but there were only a dozen people present to hear it, and accurately summed up on the back cover of her book as “A fascinating study of the pivotal first 50 years in the formation of Richmond, California’s African American community.” If Brock Purdy had been advertised as the speaker the event would have had to have been held at the ballpark. 

I'D EXPECTED many more people to be interested in this Bay Area history given the proximity of Richmond to San Francisco, and given what I’d assumed was the general interest of people in the place where they live. Wrong again. 

THERE WAS A KID with multi-colored hair who was probably there on a high school assignment, an elderly black couple, four middleaged women who, with their book bags and bottled water, looked like regulars on the museum-lecture circuit, and four middleaged men who looked like me — leftover beatniks from a time books were central to the culture. 

I ENJOYED the presentation so much I joined the Society which, by the way, offers historical collections from each county in the state, a very good (if over-priced) little book store with a full array of stuff directly pertaining to the history of California, and the Society itself is housed in a beautifully restored 19th century structure, dwarfed by surrounding high rises, but dwarfing them in all-round architectural appeal. (And I bought the book to add to my, ahem, impressive collection of strictly California history tomes destined for the Held-Poage collection in Ukiah when I go to my reward which, if just, has me worried.

I LIKE MS. MOORE’S presentation so much I returned the next week for another talk, this one by Judy Yung whose history of Chinese women in San Francisco is called “Unbound Voices.” Two for two. Mrs. Yung, a native of San Francisco who teaches at UC Santa Cruz, also delivered a boffo lecture, and what she had to tell us was not anywhere near as tedious as this off-putting book blurb by her UC colleague, the ubiquitous old commie, Bettina Aptheker: “Judy Yung’s ‘Unbound Voices’ continues her painstaking investigations begun in “Unbound Feet,’ revolutionizing our understandings of Chinese American women, and women’s history, in general. Whether circumventing immigration authorities, or Chinese patriarchs, or the racism or sexism of American society…” 

BLONK KRONK DONK SMONK. Gawd what bullshit. “Revolutionizing our understanding”? Speak for yourself, Bettina. Nobody in his or her right mind would read this book if they read this intro first or hadn’t heard Mrs. Yung’s presentation, both of which are first-rate and not at all tract-like as implied by Aptheker’s chloroform recommendation. At this lecture there were about a dozen people, maybe one of them under forty.

“IMPERIAL SAN FRANCISCO, Urban Power, Earthly Ruin by Gray Brechin is the best history of San Francisco I’ve read, adding hastily that odd as it seems, there aren’t very many. But even if there were, Brechin’s would be hard to beat for a combination of information and readability. The ruthless boys who converted huge fortunes derived from the fundamental industries which arose out of the extractions of California’s natural bounty made Frisco into a sort of imperial magnet which dominates Pacific trade to this day. And the descendants of Leland Stanford and the rest of the 19th century pirates own The City to this day. This is a terrific book and a must read for anyone who wants to understand the golden state.

“A REPORTER AT LARGE, Dateline Pyramid Lake, Nevada,” is drawn from essays A.J. Liebling wrote for the New Yorker in 1948. Ever wonder about McCarren of the infamous McCarren Act? Here he is in action cheating the Paiutes out of land and water. Liebling’s picture of Nevada after the war is unsurpassed.

FREE LAND: FREE LOVE: Tales of a Wilderness Commune,” edited by Don Monkerud, Malcolm Terence and Susan Keese. These folks are veterans of the legendary Sisikyou commune, Black Bear. They’ve collected the reminiscences of the frantic years ‘67 to the mid-70s when mostly advantaged young people turned on, tuned in and dropped out of what was then perceived as a dangerously unhealthy society. When the Summer of Love went sour in San Francisco as the Chuck Manson personality types began to prey on the Oh Wow brigades, the Oh Wows went back to the land. A hardy contingent of them wound up on the slopes of Mount Shasta, fighting off the elements, hostile locals, the droves of deadbeats who’d heard about the Yreka Black Bear shangri la, and even a few nutso pseudo-radicals of the gun-toting type whose idiot posturing in the counterculture years set back the American progressive agenda a good hundred years. This book will be especially interesting to anyone who sampled ground zero flower power, i.e., about half the present residents of Alta California.

ROLL OVER STRUNK & WHITE while a reader writes: “You’ll love this front page snafu at the SF Chronicle today. Headline on feature story: ‘Livermore Engineer’s Mysterious Death.’ Second paragraph, large type: ‘Lee Scott Hall, 54, was discovered beaten and repeatedly stabbed in the bedroom of his Livermore home October 20 by two co-workers.’ This clearly indicates that the co-workers were the murderers, yes? Got to follow the story several paragraphs to find out that they discovered him. I phoned the Chronicle and left a message. David Lewis was nice enough to return my call and say, yes, unfortunate mistake in sentence construction. Here’s the interesting part: My call came in at 11:30 a.m. No one else had called it to their attention. Lewis told me ‘6-7 editors missed it’.”

APROPOS LOTUS EATERS, take two: “Enclosed is an article from the Chron which I thought you’d appreciate, at least the headline for the continuation: ‘Mexico’s Bitter Student Strike over, But the Healing Has Just Begun.’ Deep down I’m sure the Mexican students were really just fighting for their own self-esteem.”

REGULAR MEETING OF THE WATER PROJECTS COMMITTEE

Anderson Valley Community Services District

Thursday January 4th, 2024 at 10:30am

To be held via teleconference Phone # 669 900 6833 Zoom Meeting ID 845 5084 3330 Password 048078

Public comments must be submitted by 10:00am on Jan. 4th, 2024 electronically to water.avcsd@gmail.com

Call To Order And Roll Call:

Recognition Of Guests And Hearing Of Public:

Consent Calendar: Minutes From December 7th, 2023

Changes Or Modification To This Agenda: 

Report On Drinking Water Project:

Report On Wastewater Project:

Public Outreach:

Concerns Of Members

HISTORIC EQUIPMENT

Bob Dempel

Several years ago a representative of the new Dam holding back the formation of Lake Mendocino came to my ranch. The representative was wearing some official government clothes. He was looking for some antique farm equipment to make a display at the outside bottom of the dam by the buildings. It would be placed so that visitors would see the equipment and a sign would be placed so it was showing just who donated the equipment for the display, This all sounded acceptable to me as I had pieces of farm equipment that dated back to my great grandfathers. I could just see a sign. Donated by the Dempel Ranch

The next day or so the dam representative showed up at my ranch with a truck and we loaded up three pieces of old antique farm equipment. A buck rake, a cycle mower, and a one-cylinder gas engine. 

I did not think anything about the gift for some time. Just by chance several years passed and I saw some men who were waring government clothing from the Lake Mendocino Dam I asked them about the equipment and a display that would have been placed so that dam visitors would observe the old equipment. The employees informed me that there was no display of any old equipment. The employees went on to tell me that most likely the equipment was giver to a junk dealer. This information did not set well with me 

Some time went by and I decided to follow up on just where my equipment had been displayed as promised by the Mendocino Dam employees.

It is not easy to contact a person at Lake Mendocino. There seems to be multiple agencies. From Corp of Engineers to the Department of Fish and Game, to an active visitors center. I finally talked to Taylor Bazhn. She was extremely helpful. She knew of some displays at the dam and even had a person take some pictures and send to me. Unfortunately, none of the pictures were of my equipment. I also talked Ben White, Project manager. I then got the name of Department of the Army Major Tim Shebesta in San Francisco. I tried to call the Major but could not ever get a call back

I did get some help that I should check at Lake Sonoma. So, on one of the days I drove to the south side of Lake Sonoma. I found my way to the fish hatchery. Even though the sign said it was closed we drove in. I found the office for the fish hatchery. I met up with Alan Pariani, Fish Hatchery Manager. He was extremely helpful. He showed me a display they had there. Again, it was not my equipment. He also said that there was the bone yard behind some locked gates. He attempted to find someone from the Corp who would unlock the gate, without success. I was moved that someone from the government years ago was indeed thoughtful enough to display historic equipment both at Lake Mendocino and Lake Sonoma. 

I finally got a call from Brandon Beach A CIV USARMY [USA] .He instructed me to file form 95 which I have finished and will send to the address supplied and hope an investigation will be started as to where my equipment is now located.

CATCH OF THE DAY, Sunday, December 31, 2023

IVAN AGUILAR, Ukiah. DUI-alcohol&drugs.

MELODY COTE, Loleta/Ukiah. DUI-alcohol&drugs.

NATHANIEL CUBILLOS, Sacramento/Ukiah. Suspended license, concentrated cannabis, probation revocation.

DREW ERSLAND, Ukiah. Shopping cart, controlled substance, county parole violation.

BRIAN GARD, Lakeport/Fort Bragg. Domestic abuse, probation violation.

THOMAS HIDALGO, Ukiah. Parole violation, false ID, bringing controlled substance into jail.

GENEVIEVE NEARY, Willits. DUI with refusal to take drunk test, addict using drug while driving, resisting.

VICTOR SANCHEZ-LOPEZ, Ukiah. DUI.

ALASIA WALKER, Willits. Misdemeanor hit&run with property damage, witness intimidation.

CODY WILLIAMS, Covelo. Controlled substance, probation revocation.

SILAS YOUNG, Willits. DUI.

A CATHOLIC, a Jew, an Afro-American and a gay man all walk into a bar. The bartender looks up at them and says, “What is this, a joke?”

PG&E RATE INCREASES

Power Struggle: PG&E’s Rate Hikes Spark Outcry And Advocacy For Affordability

by Lauren Schmitt

Pacific Gas and Electric is set to increase its rates by nearly 13% starting January 1st. In a move that will leave some California residents grappling with financial strain, the utility giant requested an additional rate hike that will take effect in March 2023, aiming to secure $2 billion from ratepayers to fund the undergrounding of its electric lines. However, critics argue that this move is another instance of PG&E exploiting Californians.…

kymkemp.com/2023/12/31/power-struggle-pges-rate-hikes-spark-outcry-and-advocacy-for-affordability/

AND YOU THOUGHT GOVERNMENT CAN’T SOLVE PROBLEMS ANYMORE

by Jim Shields

OK, here’s your civics quiz for the week. Who said the following?

“It is no limitation upon property rights or freedom of contract to require that when men receive from government the privilege of doing business under corporate form … they shall do so upon absolutely truthful representations … Great corporations exist only because they are created and safeguarded by our institutions; and it is therefore our right and duty to see that they work in harmony with these institutions … In the interests of the public, the government should have the right to inspect and examine the workings of the great corporations … The nation should … also assume power of supervision and regulation over all corporations doing interstate business.”

Still stumped? Well, the same person said this:

“The great corporations which we have grown to speak of rather loosely as trusts are the creatures of the State, and the State not only has the right to control them, but it is duty bound to control them whenever need of such control is shown …”

All right, while you are thinking about whom may have uttered the foregoing, who said this?

“… Our government, national and state, must be freed from the sinister influence or control of special interests. Exactly as the special interests of cotton and slavery threatened our political integrity before the Civil War, so now the great special business interests too often control and corrupt the men and methods of government for their own profit. We must drive the special interests out of politics. That is one of our tasks today … The citizens of the United States must effectively control the mighty commercial forces which they have themselves called into being. There can be no effective control of corporations while their political activity remains. To put an end to it will be neither a short nor an easy task, but it can be done.”

President Theodore Roosevelt made all of those discerning remarks 100 years ago when he was battling the big corporations (“trusts), which were attempting to gain monopolistic control over various sectors of our economy. Folks back then called it “trust busting” when Roosevelt used the Sherman Act to break up the illegal monopolies.

If ol’ Teddy were in the White House today, what do you think he’d do about all of the unchecked mergers, acquisitions, and consolidations occurring in our country in the name of Globalism and so-called free trade in that world-wide marketplace? What do you think he would think about the never before seen concentration of wealth in the hands of less than one-percent of the world’s population? 

Or how about what is Congress and the President doing to help workers and the ever-shrinking middle class as inflation and the ever-increasing cost of living sink them ever deeper into economic insecurity and potential ruin?

Or how about California oil companies gouging the public with through-the-roof gasoline prices? 

Or how about the deregulation deal cut by California Insurance Commissioner Ricardo Lara with the insurance industry that will saddle homeowners and small businesses with a just approved 20% rate increase, or up to 50% if they live in wildfire impacted areas?

Or how about Mendocino County implementing an unworkable Cannabis Ordinance that has wrecked the economies of the unincorporated rural areas where nearly two-thirds of the population live?

Isn’t it amazing, that just within our fairly recent past, we had people in public office who understood how government should work? Theodore Roosevelt was a Republican, his cousin, Franklin D. Roosevelt, who entered the White House 25 years later, was a Democrat. They both put this country back on course in different perilous economic times. It can be argued that Teddy and FDR saved capitalism from self-destruction. The former broke up the monopolies that were economically strangling the country’s life breath; the latter glued back together the shattered pieces of a country depressed in spirit and economy.

It kind of makes you both sad and angry that politics are now so broke. 

Maybe what is needed today is not a radical reform of government. 

Maybe all we need to do is return to a model and style of government that was working for people not all that long ago.

Isn’t that something? 

History tells us that two guys named Roosevelt, working with like-minded people, albeit in different eras, were able to solve some monumental problems. So there’s hope for us yet.

We probably shouldn’t set our sights too high to begin with, though.

So let’s start by solving our monumental problems here locally first.

Anybody know of any Roosevelts living in the county? 

(Jim Shields is the Mendocino County Observer’s editor and publisher, observer@pacific.net, the long-time district manager of the Laytonville County Water District, and is also chairman of the Laytonville Area Municipal Advisory Council. Listen to his radio program “This and That” every Saturday at 12 noon on KPFN 105.1 FM, also streamed live: http://www.kpfn.org)

WINE TASTER’S TROUBLESHOOTING HANDBOOK

1) SYMPTOM: Wine fails to give satisfaction and taste. Shirt front is wet. 

FAULT: Mouth not open while drinking OR glass being applied to wrong part of face. 

ACTION TO BE TAKEN: Buy another $50 bottle and practice in front of mirror. Continue with as many bottles as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.

2) SYMPTOM: Drinking gives no satisfaction and taste. Fruitiness insufficient. Glass is unusually pale and clear. 

FAULT: Glass is empty. 

ACTION TO BE TAKEN: Find someone in a Mercedes who will buy you another bottle.

3. SYMPTOM: Wine seems tasteless. 

FAULT: You are in the bathroom drinking out of the faucet.

ACTION TO BE TAKEN: Return to the tasting room and ask your attendant for a darker color of liquid which costs money.

4) SYMPTOM: Feet wet, cold and faintly red. 

FAULT: Wine glass is empty. 

ACTION TO BE TAKEN: Turn glass the other way up, so that the open end is pointing at the ceiling.

5) SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet. 

FAULT: Insufficient bladder control. 

ACTION TO BE TAKEN: Stand next to nearest poodle, after a while, complain to dog's owner about the lack of house training. Demand a new bottle as compensation.

6) SYMPTOM: Tasting room blurred. 

FAULT: You are looking through the bottom of an empty glass. 

ACTION TO BE TAKEN: Find someone who will buy you another bottle.

7) SYMPTOM: Tasting room swaying. 

FAULT: Air turbulence is unusually high. May be due to crackers being thrown at you by other patrons. 

ACTION TO BE TAKEN: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.

8) SYMPTOM: Tasting room moving. 

FAULT: You are being carried out on a stretcher. 

ACTION TO BE TAKEN: Find out if you are being taken to another tasting room, if not, complain loudly that you're being hijacked by Salvation Army.

9) SYMPTOM: You notice the wall opposite is covered with ceiling tiles and strip lights. 

FAULT: You have fallen over backwards. 

ACTION TO BE TAKEN: If your glass is full and no one is standing on your drinking arm then stay put.

10) SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dim, and you have a mouthful of broken teeth and chards of broken wine glasses. 

FAULT: You have fallen over forwards. 

ACTION TO BE TAKEN: Same as for falling backwards

11) SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dark. 

FAULT: The tasting room is closing.

ACTION TO BE TAKEN: Panic time!

12) SYMPTOM: You wake up to find your bed cold, squishy and wet. You can't see your bedroom walls or ceiling. 

FAULT: You have spent the night in the ditch along Highway 128. 

ACTION TO BE TAKEN: Check your watch to see if it is tasting room opening time — if not then treat yourself to a lie-in.

13) SYMPTOM: Your breakfast waiter is grumpy and your clothes don’t seem to fit very well. The floor is cold and so is your bed. 

FAULT: You have spent the night in the drunk tank under the supervision of the Sheriff. 

ACTION TO BE TAKEN: Ask the guard if your bag of personal belongings contains an unopened fifth of chardonnay.

BRUISED 49ERS earn the right to rest by coming away with NFC’s No. 1 seed

by Ann Killion

The San Francisco 49ers breathed a sigh of relief, wildly cheered their NFC West rivals, the Arizona Cardinals, then limped out of FedEx Field for their plane ride home. It will be their last flight for a very long time. In their perfect world, the next air transportation any of them take will be the 90-minute hop to Las Vegas in early February.

That’s because the greatest drama on Sunday happened in the moments after the 49ers walked off field, with their own 27-10 win over the Commanders already in hand. On their way to the locker room, they learned that the Eagles had been upset at home by Arizona, in the process assuring the 49ers of clinching the NFC’s top seed and a first-round bye.

“Thank you, Cardinals,” said linebacker Fred Warner.

“It was awesome,” said head coach Kyle Shanahan, who had been trying to avoid updates on the score most of the day because, “We didn’t want to get our hearts broken.”

No heartbreak. On the contrary, for the 49ers it was a perfect way to start 2024. No more trips until — if all goes as planned — that big one they’ve been aiming for all season: to Las Vegas for the Super Bowl.

But those plans could still get derailed, as a rougher-than-expected afternoon against the Commanders proved. The 49ers have work to do.

“There’s a lot of things, obviously, that we’ve got to get better at,” Shanahan said. 

Though they ended up winning their final regular-season road game, rather handily, the 49ers did not exactly have an easy afternoon. Against a Washington team that was already visualizing beach vacations and tee times, the 49ers struggled. They struggled to score touchdowns in the red zone. They struggled, at times, to stop the already-eliminated Commanders. They really couldn’t breathe easily until a fourth-quarter interception by Charvarius Ward snuffed out another Commanders’ red-zone chance and led to a 49ers touchdown that put them fully in command.

The upshot from the game was this: the 49ers look tired, they look beaten up and they look very much like a team in need of that first-round bye. And now, thanks to Arizona, they’ve clinched it.

Running back Christian McCaffrey spent most of the second half nursing a calf injury. Though Elijah Mitchell filled in well, scoring a touchdown in the third quarter that gave the 49ers some much-needed breathing room, the specter of the team’s most vital cog battling injury into January is disconcerting.

The offense had its share of big plays, and Brock Purdy became the 49ers’ single-season passing leader in the fourth quarter (surpassing Jeff Garcia) before taking a seat late in the game. It’s quite an accomplishment. As Shanahan, a master of understatement, said, “We’ve had a lot of real good quarterbacks in this organization.”

But the 49ers were in the red zone six times and came away with just three touchdowns. Achieving just 50% efficiency is not exactly what Shanahan is looking for when he has a chance to score a touchdown. 

The defense, as it had been the previous two weeks, was gashed early for some big plays. Defensive tackle Arik Armstead’s imposing presence in the middle continues to be missed.

Though the margin of victory was decisive, it wasn’t as lopsided an outing as one might have expected between one team that had virtually nothing left to play for, and another team eager to both put a Christmas Day humiliation at the hands of the Ravens behind them and take another step toward securing the first-round bye.

But Shanahan indicated he was prepared for his team to have a difficult time bouncing back from a short week and from a Ravens loss that he said was as emotionally draining as it was physically.

“It was a tough week,” Shanahan said. “It was more about the emotions of last week … you’re tired from that.”

Now the 49ers have a chance to rest. They have one more regular-season game remaining against the Rams and as of Sunday afternoon the kickoff time for that finale had still not been set. The game could be played on Saturday, which would mean a second consecutive short week for the 49ers.

Thanks to Arizona’s upset of the Eagles, that kind of grind is no longer a huge concern: Shanahan can rest players if he wants.

“We’ll definitely try to rest some guys,” he said. 

The 49ers can finally take a deep breath. The goal they’ve been aiming for since last January’s loss in Philadelphia in the NFC Championship Game was finally reached, clinched with hours to spare in 2023.

Then it was time for one last flight home. Where they will be for a while.

(SF Chronicle)

49ERS GAME GRADES: SLUGGISH START VS. COMMANDERS BUT PERFECT END TO THE DAY

by Michael Lerseth

The San Francisco 49ers’ 27-10 defeat of Washington on Sunday was their version of sausage making: how it happened wasn’t pretty, but the results — a win and the NFC’s No. 1 seed — were just what they ordered.

Offense: A

A slow start, but eventually a big day for big numbers. QB Brock Purdy (22-of-28, 230 yards, two TDs, no INTs) became the franchise single-season passing leader, finishing with 4,280 yards (to jump past Jeff Garcia and Steve Young). RB Christian McCaffrey collected 91 total yards to surpass 2,000 from scrimmage for the season. TE George Kittle went over 1,000 receiving yards for the season and WR Brandon Aiyuk had his sixth 100-yard receiving game of the season (seven catches, 114 yards). Of more immediate importance, though, was the play of Elijah Mitchell, who subbed in for an ailing McCaffrey and gained 78 of his 80 rushing yards in the second half. 

Defense: B

Like seemingly every other aspect of the 49ers Sunday, this unit eventually got going and made its imprint with consecutive second-half interceptions by Charvarius Ward and Deommodore Lenoir. Washington’s 19th-ranked offense was held to 225 yards despite having three plays of better than 20 yards and seven of more than 10. The Commanders’ second-half possessions: punt, interception, interception, punt, and a turnover on downs. Nick Bosa didn’t have a sack, but was credited with two tackles for loss, two QB hits and one defended pass.

Special Teams: B

It’s a quiet day for this unit when the highlight is kicker Jake Moody remaining perfect from inside 40 yards on field goals (he made kicks from 38 and 22 yards to improve to 15-for-15) and perfect all season on extra points (he made three and is 58-for-58 on PATs). Mitch Wishnowsky punted only twice, one of which was a 36-yard clunker. Jordan Mason returned his second kickoff of the season 28 yards.

Coaching: B

Perhaps it was a subliminal Ravens hangover (see also: five interceptions), but Kyle Shanahan didn’t exactly unleash Purdy early on, as he leaned heavily on McCaffrey (eight touches on the first two drives) and a barrage of short (translation: safe) passes in the first two possessions. It was a bit curious to see the 49ers not go for the TD on 4th-and-goal from the 4-yard line in the final seconds of the first half; in the fourth quarter we might have learned why when the 49ers went for it on 4th-and-goal from the 1-yard line and failed.

Overall: A

The 49ers, already kings of the NFC West, are arguably owners of the NFC East as well after a four-game sweep of the division and are indisputably the NFC’s top seed throughout the playoffs thanks to Arizona’s upset of the Eagles. The result is essentially a double-bye for the Niners: a now-meaningless Week 18 game against the Rams in which many key and/or banged-up players might sit and then a week off during the first week of the playoffs.

(SF Chronicle)

1908 CARLISLE INDIANS FOOTBALL TEAM 

This was the breakout year for Jim Thorpe - as you can see - he was very young in this foto - The man sitting next to him is Fritz Hendrix (Caddo) At this time, Fritz is the go-to halfback for Carlisle and Jim is quickly competing for his spot on the roster. Pops Warner once said Fritz was the best all around halfback he ever coached ALONGSIDE Thorpe.... Albert Payne & MVP Pete Hauser were the Fullbacks in this foto. Pete was earmarked as the very best fullback in the country.

Barrel, Little Oldman, Gardner, Lyons, McLean (Afraid of bear), LaRoque, Porter, & Emil Hauser were allstar linemen and most likely the best frontline in all of football - each man was a bull and proved it on the field.... Joe Libby & Mike Balenti were QBs

THE U.S. IS FUNDING two brutal and pointless wars; pulling more oil out of the ground than any other nation in history; illegally preventing asylum seekers from applying for refuge; and presiding over a large increase in child poverty. 81 y.o Joe Biden is determined to stand for re-election despite polling behind a 77 y.o. sex abuser, thief and insurrectionist facing 91 state and federal felony counts. But a protest isn’t a protest if nobody knows about it. Was the White House event planner who had invited us going to tell Joe we weren’t attending? 

— Stephen Eisenman

THE ULTIMATE CALIFORNIA ECO-MANIFESTO

by Steve Heilig

It has now been just over twenty years since a historically reclusive Marin County coastal burg — so reclusive that its name has been deleted here wherever possible, per local and long-futile custom - adopted by popular vote the landmark “advisory” measure known simply as “Measure G.” The policy statement was authored by longtime local resident Jane, aka Dakar, her chosen “shamanic” moniker. On the official ballot, it read as follows:

Measure G: 

“Shall the following language constitute a policy of the Community Public Utility District?:

“Vote for ——— to be a socially acknowledged nature-loving town because to like to drink the water out of the lakes to like to eat the blueberries to like the bears is not hatred to hotels and motor boats. Dakar. Temporary and way to save life, skunks and foxes (airplanes to go over the ocean) and to make it beautiful.”

Jane/Dakar had secured the proper official forms to propose this for the November 2003 election, filled them out, gathered 263 signatures - about three times the number needed to qualify it - largely from in front of the library or Post Office (when there used to be one), and submitted them on deadline. So there it was. When Election Day ended, the official results were as follows, with 548 votes cast, or 59.9% of the town’s then-915 voters: 

YES: 336 (67.9%); NO: 159 (32.1%). 

In American electoral terms, this would be termed a “landslide.” 

Why might that be the case here though? In the first media reports, some offered their reasons for favoring it. “It seemed harmless, and I signed it because I didn’t want to hurt Jane’s feelings,” said one voter, expressing what was likely a common sentiment, since almost everyone seemed to know Jane. Sharing that perspective was another citizen who added “It’s certainly not the kind of English you’re taught at Vassar.” Some simply said it expressed some form of good karma. “Talk about a new paradigm,” observed yet another. At least one stickler asked where those blueberries might be growing, since there weren’t any known such fruit around (tons of tasty blackberries, though). “It’s well-meaning, open to interpretation, nobody will benefit from it financially, and it makes as much sense as any other ballot measure I’ve read lately,” concluded a local saloon owner.

And some conjectured that in a town full of poets, many might have just figured it might be a poem.

A few locals did worry that adopting such a unique statement might bring undue attention to town, and they were correct. The relatively new internet was still extending its tentacles into town - cell phones often barely worked here and there were still six working pay phones around - but news of Measure G spread like, well, skunks. First came the television news crews - the day after the election, all three major networks, NBC, CBS, AND ABC, had vans with camera crews trolling the local streets, looking for interviews and especially for Jane. One parked at the public utility building, fruitlessly waiting for somebody to turn up and explain things, but the staff there had wisely taken the day off. Others asked where Jane was. Nobody seemed to know, whether they actually did or not.

Downtown, one nice but slick telejournalist asked me “Do you know where Dakar is?” Yes, I replied, It’s the Capitol of Senegal in West Africa. End of interview. But one of them did eventually find Jane, and on the 10:00 TV news that night, there she was in front of the Grand Hotel (two rooms, shared bath), looking down at the ground, listening carefully while the newsperson read her the text of the new official policy. “So what does it all mean?” she was asked. Jane finally looked up at the camera and simply replied, “You just read it, didn’t you?”

That was just the start. Online, Measure G “went viral.” The New York Times, San Francisco Chronicle, Los Angeles Times, and many other papers covered it. August publications like Harper’s magazine printed it in full. Reason, the leading libertarian publication, opined that “it makes about as much sense as anything George W. Bush has said lately”. There was of course tons of “only in California” sarcasm: “It seems that to eat the mushrooms in the cow pastures is not hatred towards ballot initiatives in Northern California.” And so on and so forth, for weeks.

But at the even more august local newspaper the Hearsay News some of us felt it should be regularly published as official advisory policy, and as a Wednesday paper staffer I put it into various formats to keep it interesting and even commissioned a skilled graphic designer to render it into visual form, making it beautiful, with the proper animal species and such. And some Hearsayers have included some version of it ever since. But I soon did have one moment of worry when asked by a skeptic if this might be seen as making fun of Jane, so I asked her what she felt about it. “It should be in every paper, not just Wednesdays,” she replied. “And you should make the print bigger too.”

As for Measure G’s impact, that’s likely subjective, largely one of perception, although subsequently there were some changes made in airline routes to lessen flight patterns over land, so who knows? And one can read it, or at least part of it, on a sign while entering town, at local stores, on various fine art pieces, and so forth. It’s been rendered into song and poetry, and recited to visitors to educate and enlighten them, with varying responses. One might say it’s now an immortal statement, like the Declaration of Independence or certain lyrics by Nobelist Bob Dylan. Maybe it’s more of a Declaration of Interdependence. One night the late great renowned poet Joanne Kyger and I once worked it into an epic spontaneous poem simply titled “Dakar” but unfortunately or otherwise that scribbled draft was lost to history.

As for Jane herself, who now lives out of town, at the time she explained “I am an artist and Measure G is from an artist’s point of view. There are too many machines and technology, and there needs to be some place for the disappearing animals. What we have is conflict between the airplanes flying over, the skunks and foxes. I’m saying each of them needs their place.”

Well said. Thank you, Jane. The bears, skunks and foxes likely thank you too. Whatever else might be said about your now-legendary statement, one thing is certain: You made it…. Beautiful.

A NEW YEAR'S MESSAGE from Eureka Productions: https://youtu.be/Lk2QtsHadGo

WILLIAM SAWYER: New Year’s Thoughts

We will celebrate another New Year soon and we may pause to reflect on changes in our lives, things we did (good or bad), things we did not do (right or wrong), places we visited or lament the trips we could not take. However, whether or not you traveled at all this year you still put on a lot of miles you have not considered. Just sitting in your favorite chair for the last 365.256 days (the actual time it takes for our Earth to make a full trip around the Sun). We traveled 584 million miles at the breakneck speed of 66,620 MPH! If that isn't enough to get you a galactic ticket for speeding consider this. Our Milky Way galaxy is a spiral galaxy and our solar system is out on one of the spiral arms. As the galaxy spins we are traveling at 489,660 MPH and our galaxy is so large it takes 212 million years to make just one complete rotation. To further add to our speeding violations the whole galaxy, with us and 100's of billions of other stars and planets, is traveling through the universe at an amazing 1,339,200 MPH. I guess the few thousand miles I drove this year and the few times I went over 70 MPH don't add up to much. Happy New Year from a retired teacher. 

NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS, LIES AND EXCUSES

by Tommy Wayne Kramer

Now’s the time of year we bore readers with New Year Resolutions, in which talent-free columnists promise to lose weight, learn a foreign language, volunteer at the library, join a health club, go vegan and go solar. 

I’ve only been doing professional journalism-ish stuff since 1969 so forgive my not having previously posted a bunch of New Year’s rubbish no one wants to read and I don’t want to write. 

But here are some of the challenges I plan to thwart, ignore, obliterate or at least not die from in 2024: 

1) Drive an 18-wheeler. Not even in a parking lot. Not even a flat stretch of wilderness with no traffic and no cops. I’d want jumbo size Depends and a 12-pack just to start the engine. If I had to pilot a great big truck cross-country I’d strap myself to the roof of the cab instead. Naked. I don’t care if it’s snowing. 

2) I’ll also never drive a Rolls Royce.

3) Or a Yugo.

4) I doubt I’ll ever spend another two weeks with Paris Hilton in a cozy cottage on the shores of Lake Erie. But (sigh) that one sparkling time, celebrating her 20th birthday and my 65th, will forever live in my heart.

5) I’ll organize a Neighborhood Watch Program to make certain drumming circles and yoga stuff aren’t allowed to infest our block.

6) What’s a Life Coach anyway? Never met one who wasn’t socially deficient, needy and unemployed. And unemployable. 

7) Or an Influencer. What does an Influencer do for a living? Would you want your kid to yearn to be a Life Coach when she grows up?

8) Some Bucket Listers hope to climb Mount Everest. I’m proud to have never hiked to the “U” on Ukiah’s western hills.

9) Every guy wants to experience the joy of driving a Maserati, Corvette or Ferrari in a challenging course at exhilarating speeds. Except me. I get enough trouser-watering excitement having my wife drive us down State Street. It couldn’t be more thrilling if she were blind, on acid, and with the dashboard on fire. 

10) Retirement Home “activity directors” are always in a sweat to get gaffers to embrace new challenges. “Now's the time to learn a new language!” they chirp. Learn a language, my wheezing lungs. Let me know when they offer Esperanto out at Mendo.

11) More advice for seniors: “Go somewhere you’ve never been!” sidestepping that if there was a wonderful place I wanted to visit I sure wouldn’t have waited until now. But yeah, book me a bus to Estado Sinaloa so I can score some fentanyl. 

12) Popular choice for those who ought to know better: Bicycle across Europe, pausing to sample jellied escargot in France and boiled octopus bladder in Sicily. I haven’t ridden a bicycle in 40 years and I’ll only get on another if I’m drunk and blindfolded. Make sure it has training wheels.

13) Yet another: persuading frail and elderly to read Great Books, as if it’s going to do any good to browse Mendo Book Co’s Self Help section for an hour.

14) My kids will one day shove me through the doors of a rest home and drive away, fast. FIRST make sure they’re cut out of the will, and NEXT come to my rescue. Don’t bother looking for me among the old folk bingo tournaments, birthday singalongs or anything in the Community Fun Room. 

Instead I hope to be tucked away in a linen closet with a cute little 65-year old nurse sipping Geritoladas and Nyquila Sunrise cocktails.

15) Getting old guarantees you’ll get bullied into the world of crafts. Here in Ukiah you’ll have to learn macrame, quilt-making, pottery and make colorful tapestries of your family history. 

Next the Daily Journal runs a front page story by Carole Brodsky with a big photo of a dozen loopy quilt-making seniors, along with me in the back row, toothless, holding up a potholder. O the indignity.

Please charge my (disinherited) children with felony elder abuse.

16) I promise to never write another one of these New Year resolutions stories, and I guarantee I’ll be around next year to decline the assignment.

See you here. Don’t be late.