CNN News Team:
Keep up the good work, go Team! Outside of a couple of troublemakers (unfortunately too popular to fire outright), you have each faithfully followed CNN’s updated guidelines for reporting on the Israel war. I list them with you here as reminders for all of us:
• Only refer to the war as “Israel’s War against the terrorist organization Hamas.” Under no circumstances refer to it as the “Israeli Palestinian War.”
• Treat all civilian deaths as accidental, caused by some evil anti-Semite somewhere, or because Hamas is using those dead bloody civilians as “human shields,” whatever that means. Those nettlesome “stray” bombs? Some other anti-Semite terrorist launched them.
• Avoid all historic background or context for this war. Ignorance is our friend. Why confuse viewers? The history of this war began on October 7. Period.
• Accept unequivocally all claims by Israeli military spokespersons, even when live footage clearly contradicts what they say. When such contradictions occur, blame Hamas for spreading propaganda. Do not interview Palestinian leaders or spokespersons.
• If a Palestinian male manages to speak, refer to him as a terrorist. No exceptions. Never allow comparison of those dozens of nearly nude Palestinian men kneeling in the mud to the treatment of Jews during entry into Auschwitz. More Palestinian propaganda!
• Frequently highlight examples of anti-Semitism, but...
Ignore assaults on Palestinians in the U.S. Provide minimal coverage of the millions of demonstrators around the world showing their support for Palestinians.
• At least four times an hour, run an interview with a grieving Israeli relative. Whenever possible, shed a tear.
• Do not run interviews with Palestinians whose families were wiped out by Israeli bombings. They asked for it.
• Also four times an hour, rerun shots of the October 7th attack. No one will realize that we’re running the same footage every day. Add additional gruesome details whenever possible, no need for confirmation.
• For those do-good journalism ethicists whining about how our brave embedded journalists are required to submit their video to Israel for approval before releasing it to the public, screw them! Nobody cares about technicalities like that anymore.
• Failure to follow the above guidelines will unleash this country’s powerful Jewish lobbies, which will inevitably shut down our network. Do you really want to lose your jobs and become unemployable in today’s dismal news market?
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