Etiquette Guide, 2023

An updated guide to modern manners is overdue, and Mendocino County residents are plainly in need of etiquette instruction for the 21st century.

Gone is the Emily Post era when heads of household needed to contemplate the number of soup spoons to be laid out for expected parties of a dozen or more guests. Also gone are the days when they worried overmuch at the procession and order of dishes to be served.

Squab bladder first, followed by the Baked Tuna Eggs? Which wine(s) with the Frette al Fournier di Hoopla, and which chilled? Must the hostess sit to the right of the most senior Senator on the list of invitees, or the most prominent and worthy member of the clergy?

Are main courses best served on vitreous China or Venetian Porcelain? 

And, depending on seasons, ought there be music by string quartets or a more lively trio of horns? Such complicated questions and protocols no longer apply, and we are freed from the ghosts of practices no longer practical.

Ours is a more freewheeling and unencumbered society where the rules, though perhaps less strict, more flexible and punished less onerously, must still be observed in one manner or another. Or else another. Or some other one.

In reality, rules governing behavior have mostly vanished. Visited a Wal Mart lately?

Let us briefly address the sorts of social faux pas that bedevil our modern incarnation of what was once quaintly regarded as a “Family” but are now more accurately described as a hive or nest.

1) When dining in one’s vehicle, be it pickup truck, van or stolen, it is always best to dispose of leftovers and their packagings by tossing them out passenger side windows. This prevents flying burrito wrappers from covering windshields, potentially resulting in your TransAm getting sideswiped.

It also helps increase trash in and around roadside ditches. Rotting food feeds local squirrels, crows, rats and bums while providing jobs for American cleanup crews patrolling state and local roads.

Do your part to Keep America Beautiful.

2) It’s always smart, and in fact the law in some jurisdictions, to empty your broken refrigerator before abandoning it in the front yard. 

Hosing out leftover, diseased foods helps reveal hidden stashes of dope, or clues to the disappearance of family pets and children.

3) Borrowing car keys to clean your ears? Be sure to wipe excess wax on a shirttail prior to giving them back. It’s the little things that count!

4) It’s highly impolite to throw household trash (beer cans, garbage, tires, old packages) over your fence and into your neighbor’s yard. Instead, take the extra time and effort to carry those items to his trash bin(s).

5) If you live in HUD-approved housing or a Section 8 home, it is never polite to threaten your landlord with physical violence when he or she is attempting to collect rent. But make it clear it’s no one’s business but your own what sort of laboratory you are running in your landlord’s garage.

Check with your (free) Legal Aid Service attorney for guidance.

6) Etiquette isn’t merely knowing proper manners at the Oscars or to whom you should bow at local school board meetings; neighborhood protocols are also important. If your home’s roof is covered in blue plastic tarp, take care to match that color when draping tarp over the boat you leave parked in front of your neighbor’s house for the winter.

7) Whether dining among friends at Plowshares, casual acquaintances along railroad tracks, homeless encampments or prison, it is always rude to gesture at guests with a knife.

8) When flossing teeth in public, whether the opera house, cage fighting tournament or funeral, it is not necessary to offer your floss, regardless how lightly used, to fellow guests. A toothpick (new) is a more thoughtful gesture.

9) Bonus fashion tip: Be sure your ankle bracelet matches your outfit! 

A smart-looking bikini may pair well with a government issue black ankle bracelet, but clash with frilly spring wear. White, ivory or taupe ankle bracelets are always in fashion and ideal for court appearances, AA classes and other rehab-oriented activities.

Consult with your Probation and/or Parole officer(s) regarding color options to complement your wardrobe. And remember: any ankle bracelet looks stunning coupled with lingerie or, for all you guys out there, a leather vest.

10) Don’t wear white after Labor Day, or a mink coat to weekend races at the Ukiah Speedway.

Bon Ami! Ce la Vie! Du jour le Journal!

(TWK wonders: Has great joy swept across Native American reservations since the banishing of sports team names honoring Indians? Has poverty, alcoholism and violence been reduced since Chief Wahoo was fired and the word “Redskins” banished? Wasn’t that the promise? Tom Hine returns next Sunday with more silly questions.)