SCENE: Middle age couple pushing wheelchair into hospital, cranky old man (JACK NICHOLSON) aboard. At reception desk is LOUISE FLETCHER.
Jack’s children agree the “Bronze Plan” (least expensive) is sufficient for dad’s food, housing and medical care. He is left in a hallway lined in wheelchairs among frail folks in faded gowns nodding and sleeping while ignoring the troublesome newcomer.
Nurse Louise Wretchit is Activities Director at Final Days Nursing Home, and thinks her new customer a bit too spry, and in need of increased medications. Rec room TV plays only black-and-white Sesame Street re-runs, snacks only available from vending machines, lights out at 8 p.m.
A loquacious motormouth young Native American man, Crazy Quilt, can’t stop jabbering about injustices and how “My People” built Oklahoma from scratch from deserts and swampland, invented deer, and had their Copyright for Fire stolen by Egyptian invaders.
“No Alcohol Permitted on Premises” of course, but Jack adapts by blending cocktails from available ingredients. He sets up a bar on an ironing board in his shabby room; a handwritten sign above the door reads:
NYQUILA SUNRISE $1.00
GERITOLADA $1.50
LISTERTINI $1.50
Women are segregated at the Final Days home (“It’s not like we have OB/GYN facilities here, you know,” says Nurse Wretchit.)
Jack is periodically seen slipping crumpled dollars and small amounts of change to a pair of lively cohorts, and later we see those two fellows sneak off campus, rummaging through Free Clothing Boxes and shopping discount tables at Goodwill.
Field Trips take residents in an old bus to empty lots at boarded-up shopping centers, and to rival nursing homes where conditions are even worse, as Nurse Wretchit happily warns everyone. On such journeys Jack sits on the floor in back of the bus because he is enrolled in the crappy Bronze Plan. His lunch comes in a smaller bag: half-sandwich, no banana.
Jack suggests Music Night to Nurse Wretchit; she reminds him the facility employs a combination Fitness Instructor / Music Director. JANE FONDA leads Tuesday Night Singalongs in “Row Row Row Your Boat” and “Happy Birthday to You” though no birthdays are celebrated and cakes are forbidden as fire hazards. She plays terrible piano accompaniment.
Jack & confederates stage Show & Tell on Sunday night when Nurse is off duty. A trio from the women’s wing sneak in to sing “Downtown” (Mrs. Miller style) while Jack squeezes an accordion, and an old guy plays spoons while his pal juggles. The Finale comes courtesy of a heretofore quiet resident offering to play “Just like at Woodstock,” and BARRY MELTON (Country Joe & The Fish) strums cheap guitar through tinny amp, croaking “Gimme an F!! Gimme a U!!…”
Confused elders in back rows shout “What??” and “Huh??” and “What’s That Spell??” Barry can’t remember either, and fumbles through pockets looking for his script as Nurse Wretchit barrels through the door.
They hijack the bus, and onboard residents hurriedly dress from random clothing tossed at them out of a box by the mysterious shopping pair Jack had funded. In mismatched hats, coats, umbrellas, fancy new Air Jordan shoes and worn out Crocs, the guys go to Hooters while the women attend a Chippendale show.
Jack tries to order from the menu on the wall, is told that he can’t have fries with burger unless it has cheese, which only comes on the Senior Menu. He shows ID card from Final Days Rest Home; woman at register says he can have neither cheese nor fries because he’s on the Bronze Plan. He blows his stack ala “Five Easy Pieces.”
At the end they flee pursuers from both the retirement home and county sheriff. Jack is now driving the bus with directions from Crazy Quilt, who sends him down one narrow road and up another, til they reach Bubbling Waters Native American Reservation.
It turns out Crazy Quilt is a beloved and admired member of the tribe, and all the nursing home residents stumbling off the bus are treated with great respect and appreciation due to their advanced age and accumulated wisdom. And since the property is on federal Bureau of Indian Affairs land the authorities cannot pursue, arrest, detain or interfere in any way with residents or guests.
Accommodations are comfy and plentiful, and the Bubbling Waters Casino is a busy one.
Jack is last seen dealing cards and mixing cocktails.
Was that, “hold the chicken”?
Meanwhile Silvester Stalone is fighting the VA in Lost Blood Samples