Before America’s Terrorists Became Heroes

King George III sat moodily at his breakfast in Kew Castle while awaiting his prime minister, Lord Frederick North. On this morning the king had little appetite for his favorite morning dishes heaped atop the groaning table. The first course, a plump pigeon, cooled in its juices upon its porcelain platter while the second-course beefsteak, usually enjoyed with relish, congealed on its respective platter. He picked up the crystal goblet filled with his first glass of white wine of the day and took a long pull. Lord North hurried into the ornate breakfast room, bowed before the king, and sat down.

King George (putting down his goblet and glaring at North): “What the hell is going on in our American colonies? I hear tell that marauding criminals are protesting taxes and destroying royal properties!”

Lord North (shrinking down into his stiff collar and struggling to meet the King’s eye): “Those uppity colonists won’t get away with this! We’ve increased security and will face certain victory with Great Britain’s superior arms and military discipline, to say nothing of general moral superiority.”

King George: “Can it possibly be true that these thieving rotters don’t even wear uniforms and hang from the trees like monkeys to ambush our royal troops? When will they realize that they’ll never defeat the British Empire, and that they are only allowed to live in those god-forsaken colonies because we give them leave to do so? We must make an example of them so that the American colonies remain forever British and other colonies of the Crown don‘t get any funny ideas about independence.”

Lord North (looking befuddled): “They have this notion that they should independently rule themselves; a daft notion since they act like rabid animals that don’t bother to follow even the most basic practices of gentlemen. They hide in the shadows, lying in wait like cowards to take our brave royal soldiers by surprise instead of facing us man-to-man on the battlefield.”

King George (tearing a wing off the pigeon): “The Crown will not be defeated by this gang of inferior savages, and will not sacrifice a single square foot of land that is rightfully British. Make an urgent call to arms to raise loyalists to our defense, and if need be go house-to-house to root out traitors. Their leaders must be killed and their families threatened – that should show the upstarts who’s boss!”

Lord North (enviously eying the delicacies displayed on the table): “We need more soldiers, the latest modern rifles, and cannons. The so-called Continental Congress even has four cannons. We must prove our superior military might so our colonial subjects start paying their taxes again!”

King George (reaching for a nearby champagne bottle): “I get it, we must have superior arms to defeat these ragtag terror-mongers, hopefully forever. I’ll see what I can rustle up from a few of our less truculent colonies. And I think we should rename those damnable American upstarts who proudly call themselves patriots. Today I baptize them: Terrorists!”