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George Carlin on Elections

A little levity from a master...…

Chunnel Of Love

Dear Dr. Zack, Please help me settle an argument with my girlfriend. We agree that the two sure signs of life are irritability and the ability to reproduce. She says…

Football & Other Luxuries

Football & Other Luxuries

The 49ers were outcoached against Seattle. Just like we were outcoached in the Super Bowl against the Ravens (e.g., first and goal on the five with time running out and…

Sideline At The ‘Stick

Sideline At The ‘Stick

Sunday an hour before kick-off, Niners vs Seattle, I’m on the sideline behind the Seahawk bench. A few players for both teams are on the field, running practice routes, playing…

A Holiday Quiz

Dear Dr. Zack: The holiday season breaks like a campaign promise upon the diamond-encrusted hull of the S.S. Reality. Now comes word that the Democrats will suspend the minority’s right…

The Golden State Of Dreams

Cynics may decry sport as the ultimate mass opiate, but as a friend puts it, “They should try smoking ten bowls of Chem-Dog x Jack Herer while watching Golden State…

Diary Of A Numb 49er Fan

It’s Friday afternoon. An unseasonal sun bakes the city with a gratifying if alarming tropical malaise. Tiny birds sing in the trees. There’s a case of frozen corn dogs in…

Grunting & Punting

The first bad sign is Tuesday before the game. Speaking before a tangle of sweaty flesh and Japanese electronics plastered with the corporate logos of “news outlets” 49er receiver Randy…

The Correct Handling Of Contradictions Among The People

Sunday morning I wake up and it’s still dark outside. The clock says 5:17, which means it’s already past eight in New Orleans. If Patrick Willis is up, then so…

The Curious Case Of The Missing Baseball Pennant

The phone rings. I pick up. “Zack, this is The Goob.” The Goob, aka Daniel Johnston, is my fellow AV Panther from the old days. We were on the baseball…

Rock-O-Plane

It was the Boonville Fair. It was always the fair, scene of so many crimes and misdemeanors, of joys and neon sorrows. The Mendocino County Apple Fair and Rodeo was,…