Stepford Surrogates Gone Haywire

by Bruce Patterson, December 14, 2016

 “The merchants, however, are the biggest fools of all. They carry on the most sordid business and by the most corrupt methods. . . Nevertheless, they are highly respected because of their money. There is no lack of flattering friars to kowtow to them and call them right honorable in public. The motive of the friars is clear enough: they are after some of the loot.”

— Erasmus (1465-1536)

The first thing that told me that the upcoming presidential election would be dirty was the opinion poll that came out after Hillary won the nomination. The poll showed that nearly 60% of eligible voters held a negative opinion of her. About the same time, I read in the newspaper that her campaign had already spent some $16,000,000 on polling and “Focus Groups,” and I wondered if somehow they’d missed noticing that little nugget of information; that telling detail and forewarning. How about the rest of the Democratic Party leadership? Had our Bagmen in Babylon lost whatever little bit of patriotism they had left? Or were they staying “neutral” according to a foxhole GI’s rules numbers 1, 2 and 3: CYA (“Cover your own ass, brother.”). Or were these leaders just plain misinformed or, far worse, willfully ignorant?

Seems I’ve always known how politics are played in this psychological prison camp of funhouse mirrors. Nowadays well-adjusted Americans are more interested in the latest greatest gadget than in the health and welfare of their fellow citizens, much less the long-term future of their country, the future of the planet or, least of all, the planet’s “most dangerous animal” (that’s a slander against humankind, by the way. Satan is really seen in the eye of a chicken coop rooster).

Being apathetic politically is just how people get brought up in this country. Like spooked bulls in a crystal shop, they just can’t help being their oblivious selves. And that’s one reason why our national elections are mostly for show. Sorry fact is that the big money boys are calling the shots and they don’t want any arguments from us. These “Multi-billionaires” use their conglomerated Big Brother multimedia vertical and horizontal holdings to provide them with cover and concealment, aid, comfort and a perceptual stream of easy money. With the media now little more than PR for our putrid inbred Kleptocracy, our “freedom” that never really was has now shrunk down to a radical aspiration at best. That is, assuming that aspiring to real Liberty—it starts with “freedom of conscience” and ends with real Equality and real Peace—doesn’t become another type of Hate Crime.

Now one thing I’ve always tried to do is judge people by their own standards. With politicians, the object is to win elections and I get that. If you wish to do your best to serve the public interest, you’ve gotta win public office. If you win and then behave yourself during your rookie season, you’ll have moneyed friends to help make sure you win again. And there’s the rub: the “right people” must trust you and they won’t trust you until after you’ve done something for them besides taking their money. And once the poor, trusting, workaday voters accept you—once you’re a recognized authority with the power to get something done beyond your routine self-dealing—now you’ve earned their indulgence. Most will vote for you the next time around just so they don’t have to think about the issues, the future or anything else not listed on your menu

So early on I saw poor Hillary as Icarus flying too close to the sun. Not only was she a terribly ambitious, moneygrubbing lifer career woman in a spiteful Patriarchal tyranny (“pro-life” my ass), she was “crooked,” “secretive,” “devious,” “deceitful,” “sickly” and “unfit” to become President. This while Hillary was running against one extremely dangerous underground comic book sub-dude. There’s nothing more dangerous than some nasty, totally amateur, lying, gold-digging, crazy-assed rich kid geezer thinking he’s Spartacus between takes tweeting from his private trailer on the MGM movie lot. And what could be worse than a bone ignorant Absolutist who sees his country’s insanely powerful arsenals of insanely destructive weapons as treasure chests full of man-toys for him and his toadies to play with?

Anyway, I was hoping Hillary Inc. would admit the obvious, quit the race and hand the ball off to somebody far more likely to dispatch this particularly creepy sub-dude. I mean, the Trump cabal believes it’s America’s Manifest Destiny that only the Superrich shall rule over the Superrich and somebody please tell me how that’s not just anti-American and anti-Jesus but anti-life.

So the election rolls around and, curses, I’m foiled again. Yet, in a reasonably fair election, damned if even old Hillary wouldn’t’ve beaten Herr Trump like some one-armed, rickets-riddled Syrian orphan girl and budding terrorist. Yet, instead of debates over the issues, for months on end we got interchangeable sexy young things delivering “political news” as if they’re handicappers at the racetrack and the rest of us are jumping up and down up in the peanut gallery. Like it’s the sexy young thing’s duty to split the voters 50/50 and that proves they’re “neutral observers” faithfully serving the public interest in the best traditions of the profession. In other words, if a rabid skunk wobbled into their studio and collapsed on the floor frothing and kicking in its death throes, they’d stick to the script.

Unless the sexy young things (If I ever caught any their names, I’ve forgotten them) are standing knee-deep in urban floodwaters, or are posing in front of a flaming suburban mountainside, they’re “in the studio” with its penthouse views of holographic Civic Centers standing monumentally tall, gorgeous and empty. Cocooned in urbane sublimity, they regurgitate the latest meaning of it all and how there’s always a bright side to even the worst news, and a measure of truth even in the most outrageously warlike, xenophobic, racist, sexist or sectarian lies. Billed as “experts,” they play host to Trump’s “surrogates” (“father figures”) that act like they’re humorless Communist Party Political Officers tending to the morale of the troops defending Stalingrad against the Nazis. Flat-out creepy if you ask me, these sexy young things thinking they’re on their way to wealth and fame when they can’t even get a word in edgewise against army-issue apparatchiks nobody has ever seen or heard of or, most likely, will ever see again. I mean, they can’t get these surrogates to answer simple questions, or stop reciting today’s Party Line, developing threat or disgusting scandal, or even get them to shut their mouths even when they’re trespassing into sacred Commercial Time.

Then, with the regularity of an episode of Jeopardy, after getting verbally sissy-slapped on their own shows by these Loyal Comrades, the next day they’re right back at it again, except maybe this time using “fresh personalities.”

Even after it was revealed in early October that Trump is a sexual predator, not even one of these sexy young things uttered one critical word about the Republican Candidate for President. Assuming they’d done their homework, they already knew all about Trump’s resume, reputation and rap-sheets. They also knew the Tea Party, Neoconservative, Alt Right, White Nationalist New Republicans were deranged. I suppose they also knew that, regarding Trump, the only real wonder was how he’d stayed out of prison his whole life long. And yet, once you think about it, even that isn’t too surprising. Still not a single one of them aspiring young actresses strayed from the script or, as far as I know, quit in disgust.

Regarding Trump’s rainbow of interchangeable female and male Heroically Suffering Fatherland figures, they blamed the white man’s burden on Bill Clinton, the Liberal Media, that rag-headed terrorist dude named Sahib Bengasi, unfounded rumors and innuendo, secret e-mails, dirty tricks and millions of illegal alien voters flooding in over our naked, unprotected and ravaged southern border—and whatever else that advanced their knuckle-dragging lust for power.

Once at every “rally” Trump started railing against the fact that the election was being fixed against him, and kept on whining about it day in and day out for two full weeks, I saw the evil genius in the sick Machiavellian bastard. I realized it was a damned good bet that he was packing some “October Surprise” of his own.

Then, right when the horses are charging the pole and it’s Hillary by a head, guess what? The capo-de-capo of the FBI, like a cuckoo popping out of a cuckoo clock, and with the enthusiastic assistance of the multimedia, shoots the Democrats right between the eyes—“take that, you bleeding-hearted subversives!” Ah, the sweetest military victory is the one you stole.

Now our freshly anointed Inner Circle of Conspiracy Theorists is telling us that the word “counter-factual” is no longer “operational” because in fact there are no facts but, in fact, the world is only 7,329 years old, the 2nd Coming is marked on their calendar and everything else we’ve been taught our whole lives is lies.

Under our new National Corporation, there are no facts but only popular and unpopular opinions, one the good one and one the bad one. Which is which? Don’t tell us, we’ll tell you. Be patient. Don’t worry, be happy.

Suggested reading: Neither Victims nor Executioners or anything else by Albert Camus.

— 12/4/16: Just heard Native America’s Water Protectors have won a great victory on the Missouri River. Their first in those parts since 1876. This morning Trump is tweeting his disgust (he’s invested in that pipeline and any delays cost him money and that’s a crime against his “personal liberty” and his version of liberty now trumps America’s). Reminds me: read Indian Givers by Jack Weatherford. Fascinating and inspiring.

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