Turkey Vulture

by Turkey Vulture, December 31, 2009

Greetings one and all. If you are sitting comfortably I shall begin. So how was your Christmas? Did the new sweater fit? Did it still fit after dinner? Did you keep the receipt for your nephew’s broken toy? Why was Uncle Stan so drunk and was that the reason Grandpa was so rude to him? Why did Cousin Betty go for a nap and not return? Why was Aunt Jenny crying? Did you ever find the new puppy that went missing? And to make matters even more worrisome and confusing, next up it’s the Amateur’s Night Out of the Year: New Year’s Eve! Try to enjoy yourselves and if someone is behaving badly just smile and walk away. You know it makes sense.

Despite all the excesses of the holiday season I have fortunately come to the conclusion that, unlike Alexander Woollcott, social commentator for New Yorker magazine, not “all of the things I enjoy doing are immoral, illegal, or fattening” although quite a few of them are. Now with the dawn of a new year upon us, and with new resolutions bursting forth, for the Quote of the Week let me offer you these wise words by Gore Vidal to think about as we move into 2010: “Never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.” Difficult to argue with, I’d say.

Topics under discussion at The Three-Dot Lounge — “Moans, Groans, Good Thoughts, and Rampant Rumors” from my favorite gathering place in the Valley at a location known only to those in the know.

…At the risk of getting repetitive, the rumors continue, hopefully not with false optimism, that there may be moves afoot for Boonville Lodge owners, Tom Towey and Carroll Pratt, to move their excellent operation to The Buckhorn building down the street, formerly owned by ‘King’ Ken Allen but now in the possession of the far more tenant-friendly and community-minded Gary and Ginny Island. Many 3-Dot customers are also regular attendees at The Lodge and they are obviously concerned, along with many others, about where anyone will go in the upcoming weeks just to have a refreshing after-work beer or sip a few martinis before dinner. And who can blame them? A post office, a store, a bar (and often a church) — these are fundamental requirements of any community. No wonder many local folk are upset at recent greed-driven developments in the heart of Boonville.

…AVHS Alumna, Cassidy Hollinger, is just one of several former high school students to have returned from the real world to the Valley to be with family and friends for the holidays. Apart from the ‘peculiar Egyptian roommate’ situation, Cassidy, or Princess Vassar as she is known in some circles in acknowledgement of her current place of education, has settled in well to her new environment in upstate New York. She is thoroughly enjoying the full repertoire of academic and social activities available at such a wonderful college. Having said that, I am reliably informed, by several 3-Dot regulars who saw the film footage, that if the stand-up routine she performed as part of her all-girl comedy troupe’s show on campus is anything to go by, she might as well leave school now and get her talented and happy ass down to The Improv Comedy Club in LA and get started on her real career! Good for you, Cass. Don’t forget the little people when you hit the big time!

Time to share a little “interesting and informative” (well I like to think it is) ‘Jive Turkey.’ Did you know that we Turkey Vultures like our ‘veggies’? Yes, folks, a recent study of almost 400 of our pellets collected in the Castro Valley and Livermore areas in California showed that plant material was the single most common ingredient of the Turkey Vulture's diet. The material consisted primarily of grass and leaves. However, I am proud to announce that animal food items in the pellets included: shrew, mole, squirrel, gopher, mouse, rat, rabbit, bird, reptile, insect, muskrat, opossum, raccoon, skunk, badger, sheep, and coyote. Impressive, eh? If not consumed and sterilized by my friends and I, these carcasses would have rotted on the ground and could have spread disease. We truly are nature’s garbage collectors. Trust me on this.

I’m outta here. Have a happy, healthy, and even prosperous 2010. Be careful out there, stay out of the ditches; think good thoughts, and may your god go with you. One final request, “Let us prey.” Humbly yours, Turkey Vulture. PS. Contact me with words of support/abuse through the Letters Page or at turkeyvulture1@earthlink.net. PPS. Best wishes for 2010, Silver Swan and Grey Goose.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *