On This, Your 5th Birthday
by Jessica Ehlers, June 18, 2011
June 18, 2006 @ Ukiah Valley Medical Center
June 17, 2011 @ Jumperz in Ukiah
Happy birthday, little man. It blows my mind to think that 5 years ago you were in my belly, bouncing on my bladder and pushing on my ribs. The day you were born, you were tired. It was understandable. You worked just as hard as I did to get you born. The next day, you got your first nickname. Wiggles. You could not stop moving. Anxious, even then it seemed to start running.
Soon you were running. By 6 months, you were army-crawling all over the place and at 9 months, you took your first steps. Ever in such a hurry to learn, figure it out, and to play. What a joy you have been.
You and I were so close when you were tiny, we hung out and played and did everything together. Then you would go visit your dad and he does such a good job of taking care of you, teaching you things, loving you so well. You are a lucky boy to have two parents to adore you and a team of others around to hold you so close.
My dear little boy. I don’t know what to say precisely. Deciding to have you, being pregnant with you and having the privilege of being your mother has been the most amazing experience of my entire life.
Be patient. The only thing you have to run to is yourself. You are a very smart and charming young man, you will be able to do anything, and I mean anything, that you set your mind to.
Be careful with your heart and the hearts of those you meet. Your heart is a precious gift that should be treated with the upmost respect and tender care, treat it like you would treat a little seedling just learning to grow. Other people’s hearts are as tender as your own. Maybe they seem hard, maybe they seem mean, but that is a shield they have developed to protect a part of them that has been hurt by someone else.
Wear a suit of mirrors. That means, when someone comes to you with anger or fear or anything that makes you feel yucky or uncomfortable, reflect it back to them. Don’t absorb it into your own self. It isn’t yours. Likewise, realize your potential and try not to throw your emotions out upon those around you. This is not to say don’t share yourself. Simply identify what you’re feeling, express it and move on.
Life is so short. I had no idea how short it really was until these past few years when my life has really started to get into a groove. We only get so many years and months and days to run around on this busy world so make good use of your time here. I know you will. I know you have a strong heart, a good character and very sharp mind. Your love is deep and enduring. You have a strong constitution and sense of self. All these things will serve you well as you get older and grow into becoming a man.
Be fearless in love. Lay it all out there. Let nothing keep you from sharing your heart with those around you. If someone doesn’t meet you there in that place of abandon, get out. Even if it hurts, simply peel the Band-Aid off quickly and vacate. You’re better off saving yourself for someone who loves you for the marvelous person you are.
I don’t have an agenda for you. I have fears of course. You’re my son. What kind of mother would I be if I did not fear for you? I try not to put to much stock in them. I pray for guidance of my thinking and know that you too have a god looking out for you. I have faith your life will be a road of joy, laughter, lessons and growth. You will do just fine.
My dear boy. Never forget that I am always here for and with you. I am in your corner and I am not alone. There is an army of us over here. I know as you get older you will resent me and wish I were different and who knows what else. No matter what, I love you. I do not know what the future will bring. I am glad I don’t know because we get to walk this new road of life together. I am a writer and I can’t seem to get it into words. Is I Love You enough? Could it possibly explain what I feel for you, my dear son? It will have to suffice.
You are more dear to me than anything in this world, Boogokes. Your laughter is a song and I love to hear you sing.
Happy 5th birthday.
I love you, Mamam.